AAAA That's FIVE A's

I'm the Decider

2008-12-31T08:40:00.002-07:00

Having discussed the Bush presidency over the years, I know we've all wondered how much Bush had to do with making decisions etc. Whether or not we should say "Bush invaded Iraq" or use "Bush Administration" or whether we should listen to guys like Sam Harris seeking to convince us that American foreign policy resulted from Bush's unique faith. Well, you knew not to listen to Sam Harris though, didn't you?

Anyway, a top Aide to Colin Powell has recently discussed this matter with some serious candor, and the results are basically what you would expect: Bush was never expected to be a serious "decider." He was, of course, chosen like you'd choose a logo for some product.

Lawrence Wilkerson, top aide and later chief of staff to Secretary of State Colin Powell:

We had this confluence of characters--and I use that term very carefully--that included people like Powell, Dick Cheney, Condi Rice, and so forth, which allowed one perception to be "the dream team." It allowed everybody to believe that this Sarah Palin-like president--because, let's face it, that's what he was--was going to be protected by this national- security elite, tested in the cauldrons of fire. What in effect happened was that a very astute, probably the most astute, bureaucratic entrepreneur I've ever run into in my life became the vice president of the United States.

Extra Extra!

2008-11-14T11:39:00.004-07:00

If you're anything like me, you've spent much of the past 10 days (or 4 years) dreaming of how Obama's Presidency might change the world. This "Special Edition" NY Times from the future doesn't hesitate to dream big. Be sure to check out the advertisments and full length articles as well.

Are you out of touch with America?

2008-11-05T19:10:00.007-07:00

This is the post I've been trying to write for a long, long time. Republicans are currently reassuring themselves that the American public holds "center-right" opinions, and Democrats are reassuring us that we need worry no further we elected the best guy (out of the top 2) and so we can just kinda sit back and enjoy ourselves. Despite all the unity and "no red states/no blue states" rhetoric that you're feeling and hearing, you probably feel out of step in some way. We see a popular vote that's basically 52-47 and it feels like our disagreements run deep. So here's the first part of a multi-part quiz... See how out of touch you are compared to the rest of the country.

Read the quiz question and decide on your answer (and perhaps guess how many people you think agree with you in the US, and what politicians might think) Then highlight the blank space under the question and you'll see the actual polling data. To prevent me from cherry picking polls, I've chosen to rely on the most comprehensive and well-respected public opinion poll: the Program on International Policy Attitudes whenever possible (which for this is most of the questions.) All poll data will be the most recent available (within a few years.)

Quiz 1, Human Rights:

1. News and government reports indicate that the US has been using private contractors to conduct interrogations in Iraq. Do you Approve or think that only Military personnel should conduct the interrogations?

68% of Americans think that only the military should be involved in interrogating prisoners (and only 26% think private contractors are ok to do it.) Obama will "not rule out" the use of these contractors in Iraq.

2. Should "enemy combatants" (non-military who are "suspected of terror") who are captured in a foreign country be tortured if need be? Threatened with Torture?

75% of Americans say they should not be tortured (78% of republicans!) and a majority of Americans say that there shouldn't even be a threat of terror. Obama opposes torture too so he's good on this one. McCain actually waffles on this issue despite being tortured himself and voted against curtailing torture.

3. Should the US eliminate the prisons in Guantanamo bay in order to comply with the UN Commission on Human Rights?

63% say the US should eliminate the prison because of the UN commission. Obama opposes the Prison at gitmo

4. Should equal opportunities regardless of whether your are gay or lesbian be considered a human right?

79% of Americans think it should be a human right regardless of sexual orientation. Obama arguably disagrees with this as he does not support Gay Marriage.

5. Should fair pay for workers to meet the basic needs for food and housing be considered a human right or not??

A whopping 87% of Americans think it should be a basic human right (with a slightly smaller percentage also arguing that freedom from extreme poverty should be a human right.)

6. A permanent International Criminal Court has been established by the UN (United Nations) to try individuals suspected of war crimes, genocide, and crimes against humanity. Do you think the U.S. should or should not support the permanent international criminal court, even if charges could be brought against US troops?

68% agree that the US should support the ICC even though it could prosecute us.
Obama doesn't support it unless the US is exempt (McCain's position is the same.)

7. Finally, do you prefer a universal health care system to our current system?

A 2-1 majority (according to ABCnews/washington post) prefer a universal healthcare system. And yet, who's the last politician who advocated one? No the answer's not Hillary (take a closer look at what she actually proposed)- it was Truman. Obama does not support this (though his rhetoric makes it sound like he does.) He does want to provide the opportunity for health care to every American though, which is a better plan than his competitor.

8. "When a minority is being deprived of its human rights by a government that is supported by the US, this may lead that minority to use terrorism against Americans."

53% of Americans say yes, despite the fact this is considered outlandish-- unutterable even-- by the media.

9. Some say the US should restrict imports of shrimp from India because the shrimp are caught using methods that kill many sea turtles. Do you think the US should or should not limit its trade with India for this reason?

63% of Americans would limit trade in order to protect (endangered) sea turtles! I bet that's even more liberal that some of you!

10. Do you think it is the responsibility of the federal government to make sure all Americans have health care coverage, or is that not the responsibility of the federal government?

70% of Americans agree that is the US government should make sure that Americans HAVE health care coverage.

11. Is the Supreme Court too liberal or too conservative?

Americans think that the court is too conservative by a 3/2 margin

12. What do you think is more important (a more pressing issue in the US)?
A. Abortion
B. 36 other things including inflation, poverty, welfare, environment, "unifying the country," "lack of respect for each other," foreign aid, the judicial system, and gay rights issues

I think you've already seen the point here, Americans ranked Abortion extremely low on a list of priorities, though you wouldn't know it from listening to the media and politicians.

13. How influential do you think the will of the majority is on US policy?
A. Above average (closer to "very influential", i.e. a democracy)
B. Below Average (closer to "not at all influential" i.e. totalitarianism)

Probably not too surprising if you've made it this far, but on average the assessment was about a 4.4/10, or closer to totalitarianism. When asked what percentage of the time congress makes decision that are "the same as the majority would make" the average answer was 39%- "less than chance." Needless to say, that means that congress isn't just "out of touch" (you'd expect something closer to 50/50 in that case) but that it's (perceived as) acting contrary to the interests of the citizenry!

Finally, 81% of Americans also say that the government should be more responsive to the US population and pay more attention to polls when deciding on major issues. I, for one, second that.

Procedural note: These poll questions (accounting for small phrasing differences) preserve the same content as the original poll- I'm happy to cite sources if anyone wants but they'd be easy to find. I mention Obama several times not to knock the guy (he was the same or better than McCain on every issue I mention here) but just to show that this "most Liberal member of the senate" is in fact well to the right of the American public on most issues. Just wait until I get to foreign policy!

Obama Wins!

2008-11-05T07:18:00.005-07:00

Undecided Voters

2008-10-15T21:45:00.002-06:00

We hold undecided voters in far too-high esteem in this country. What we often call "waffling" "fence-riding" and "playing it safe" suddenly become "prudence" and "rational consideration" during even-numbered years. If you think I'm getting ready to make some point about how if you're not for Obama you're obviously insane, don't worry I'm not. How many more of those blog posts do you really need?

For some odd reason I subjected myself to the post-debate analysis on NBC tonight, and on the program was a panel of undecided voters all discussing their thoughts about the two candidates. The set-up was basic: undecided voters explain their opinion of the candidates and how it's changed following the debate they just watched. If one of the voters "decides" and commits to a candidate they are removed from the panel. That obviously creates massive selection bias (since if candidate A -call him "Obama"- won the first two debates and people committed, the panel would consist largely of candidate B-leaners) but that's neither here nor there. It drove me crazy listening to these people repeat drivel like "Well Obama really showed me something tonight when he discussed his health care plan in more detail" or "McCain sounded very confident on Iraq." ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Here's a radical idea for you: political candidates are little bundles of policies. You think the CEO of Pfizer is saying "Who cares about the tax breaks, I just want to know which candidate looks more "presidential"? I assure you he is not. He is voting (and "donating") based on cold hard issues, and if you don't? If you vote based on who you can have a beer with or who has a vagina or who speaks well... well then you're going to get Pfizer's wet dream plus ovaries, a pick-up truck and a toastmasters membership. If you want to vote on issues, go take the candidate compatibility quiz or head to votesmart.org and click "voting records." If you want rhetoric, imagery, and delusion though, go watch a politician speak or debate.

Here's how the undecided voter panel must prepare to buy a car: "Gee well I'm really undecided about the truck I should buy; I guess I should watch two competing commercials."

Undecided Truck Buyer A: "Well I really thought Chevy showed me something tonight by having its truck navigate a thin rail between a series of swinging steel I-beams"

Undecided B: "Well after tonight I've got to say I'm leaning toward Toyota, what with the way it managed to stop that entire jet airliner using only its standard disc brakes.

Katie Couric: "Fascinating pros and cons on both sides and a major change in strategy from Chevy, who seems to have completely abandoned the "scaling 60-degree-angled mountains" approach of last time."

Don't, you know, do any research on the features or prices.

This is a deep problem, and one that affects me and many of my closest, most intelligent friends. The idea that "character" matters so much is the implicit message of so much news coverage we can't help but be swayed a little bit. The polls bear this out- during the last presidential election in 2004 10% of the population voted on "agendas/ideas/platforms/goals"; 6% for Bush voters, 13% for Kerry voters according to a Gallup poll. That's a disaster for democracy.

Further, I have to imagine that the deep cynicism that most of us feel regarding politics, and perhaps the same cynicism that makes people politically inert, must be partially a result of this image-focused voting. The young idealist who loves Bill Clinton's sparkling eyes and inspiring rhetoric in 1992 is the same confused partisan trying to excuse the bombing of Sudan in 1998 is the same hardened non-voter in 2000. The small-government conservative who couldn't get enough of Bush's Reagan-esque speeches about government being the problem is the same meek apologist for wire-tapping and massive new government spending in 2004 is the same guy who "forgets" to mail-in his absentee ballot this year. If you've got a red white and blue t-shirt with a candidates name on it right now, you might just see yourself in one of those examples in a few years. Voting is important though so, this year, try something different: Vote for someone without illusions about what they'll do.

The End of the World... Almost

2008-09-27T14:43:00.002-06:00

Perhaps you've read my earlier link to Vasilly Archipov, the Russian hero who disobeyed orders and refused to launch a nuclear weapon at the US while in under US bombardment. Apparently, there's a second world hero from Russia named Stanislav Petrov who was forced into retirement after refusing to launch a Nuclear Assault per protocol. Read the story here; it's harrowing.

Then watch this video and feel all better:

2008-09-14T10:39:00.000-06:00

Will Obama Lower your Taxes?

2008-08-31T19:53:00.003-06:00

Check on this site: http://www.willobamacutmytaxes.com/

Everyone should take the quiz and see, since so many people vote on this retarded issue (instead of, you know, how much skrilla you'll save from improved health care.) The quiz will take you about 4 seconds to take. Click that image for a full chart, by the way (I couldn't display it on this blog properly.)

DNC Protests

2008-08-25T00:04:00.003-06:00

"Democracy is not waiting to vote once every four years. Democracy is getting out in the streets," says Sgt. Matthis Chiroux, a 24-year-old member of Iraq Veterans Against the War (IVAW) who refused orders to deploy to Iraq this June and now plans to show up to the conventions with IVAW. "They [the politicians] are not gonna do it by themselves. We're gonna force their hand, because that is the nature of democracy."

Things are going swimmingly in Denver as non-violent protests are flamboyantly disobeying the "Free speech zone" ordinances by walking the streets in massed groups. There was some question before this convention started as to whether there would be much protest, given that the protesters would mostly be favoring the Democratic party (albeit reluctantly.) I've had this conversation 1000 times, about the effectiveness of protesting:

Q:"Protesting? Why waste your time like that?"

A: It's hardly a waste of time if you believe in the cause. Certainly it's more effective than simply lining up every few years to select between 2 inflexible options, offering you a take-it-or-leave-it list of policies (at best- often you don't even know what the policies will be.)

Q: "Yeah but it does more harm than good because people get annoyed by protesters"

A: Spoken like a person who's never seen the magical effect of protests. Not only does it assemble and energize diverse activist groups but it inspires serious conversation, forcing issues out into view. These conversations happen all around you at protests. I overheard this conversation from distant bystanders "If this is an anti-war group, why aren't they just protesting the RNC?" Answered with (from another bystander) "Well the congressional Dems authorized the war and have largelt supported it." The sky didn't split open or anything but there's no way that guy #1 finds out that information otherwise, and that's important. Skip to the end of this post for more "effects" talk.

Q: "Okay but that just makes people cynical about the Democrats, and makes them less likely to win opening the door for Mr. "Bomb-Bomb-Bomb Bomb-Bomb Iran""

A: What makes people cynical is you telling them to shut their eyes to reality and trust in "change we can believe in" and then feel betrayed when Obama peddles the same old Clinton-era moderate BS. People know that Obama's policies are better than McCain's, and they know that preventing McCain from taking office is important. Opening their eyes to Obama's actual policies won't change that; if anything it'll shield them from the wave of disappointment and cyncism they'd otherwise experience when they see Obama's real policy toward Iraq (et al.) Make no mistake, Obama's policies are better than McCain's in most every area so how then can the truth hurt?

Q: (sort-of) "Sure so we'll just march in the streets and it'll change nothing as usual then."

A: That's certainly not true, but it's what "they'd" love you to believe. I'm sorry to use such a hoary old cliche as "they" but it gets the point across. Here's Noam Chomsky on the record of effective protests:

Chomsky: In early 1968, the Pentagon Papers showed that the Joint Chiefs of Staff were very concerned about sending another couple of hundred thousand troops [to Vietnam] because they thought they would have to use them here in the U.S. to quell civil disorder. No one really wants to comment on that because it reveals how effective the movement was.

QUESTION: So the movement was effective?

CHOMSKY: Oh, yes. If there hadn't been a movement, the U.S. would have ended up probably using tactical nuclear weapons, or at least escalating the war.

QUESTION: How would you explain the eclipse of the peace movement? It seemed to have disintegrated by the end of the Vietnam War.

CHOMSKY: That's just propaganda. It was big in the sixties and seventies and was much bigger in the eighties than the seventies. The movement began to include much broader sectors of the American public and became more deeply rooted in American life. For example, when Ronald Reagan took office... he published a White Paper that was just like Kennedy's 1961 White Paper. Reagan's paper was a precursor to a possible invasion of Nicaragua and the sending of troops to El Salvador. But the public reaction was enormous and negative, so he had to back down. He went the clandestine route and developed a secret international network since the public wouldn't tolerate anything overt. That's because the antiwar movement was so vast it covered most of the country. So any talk about the demise of the movement is just nonsense. It's still strong.

QUESTION: But it doesn't seem to have the cohesion the Vietnam antiwar movement did. The movement today seems fragmented.

CHOMSKY: Yeah, but suppose the Anita Hill episode had happened thirty years ago. Nobody would have given a damn.

The mention of Anita Hill is especially interesting (the woman sexually harassed by a Supreme Court justice) because it reveals the broad civilizing effect of protests and activism. However, I think that Vietnam tidbit is monumental: the US refrained from sending hundreds of thousands of troops to Vietnam because of the protests. That spared perhaps plenty of US lives but countless Vietnamese lives as well.

If you've got a cause and live close to Denver or St. Paul Minnesota... get involved.

What's the weirdest video you've ever seen?

2008-08-14T14:02:00.002-06:00

Prepare for a new answer to that question. This isn't something I'd normally post, but I mean how do I not post this? It's a chimp raping a frog. It's not as bad as it sounds (I mean, it's not violent or anything) but it's a CHIMPANZEE, and that CHIMPANZEE is RAPING a TOAD.

The Smiles are high...

2008-07-05T16:21:00.006-06:00

... in the City that's mile-high.

It's a debate that has gone on since at least the time of Greeks: which modern American city has the funniest homeless population? It was said best in the count of monte cristo; "you sire can rob me of my life, but thine canst taketh not mine good humour."

Any observant citizen of Denver, CO can probably tell you that Denver has, without a doubt, the wittiest bums (British people insert "smart ass" joke here). Most everyone by now has seen a homeless sign saying something along the lines of "Why lie? Need cold beer". According to Hamilton Withers' 2005 article in A Bum Life, this slogan not only originated in downtown Denver in 1992, but since then has been used nationally by bums from the bus stops of L.A. all the way to the on-ramps of I-287 in New York/Jersey. The creator of the slogan who went by the name, "Dale" was a disabled Vietnam Vet who only wanted his kids back and as little at 25 cents made a difference to him, God bless. Dale passed away a just one year ago but not before he came up with some other catchy homeless slogans such as the sequel: "Why lie, space ship broke down, need parts."

Dale's cardboard originals are framed and on display at the Denver Rescue Mission, where other hungry patrons have been inspired to make their own creative signs with hopes that they will catch on like Dale's "Why lie?" did, as well as hopes that you'll pass them a spare dollar when at a red light.

Studies have shown that Denver is unique in its subculture of clever homeless in comparison with other metropolitan areas. Below is just a random smattering of the jaw-droppingly witty signs you can see around Denver proper.

Mayor John Hickenlooper: Our city's homeless signs are the pride of Denver.

Ken Blackwell: Our city's hilarious homeless are just one of the many perks of living in Denver.

Allen Iverson: I just take it one game at a time. They played real solid, we're happy to get out with a win.

.

copyright 08 z and stee enterprises

Are you color-blind without knowing it?

2008-06-18T14:43:00.007-06:00

Stop me if you've heard this one: What if the "red" of what you'd call a "red rose" appears to you as actually what other people would call "green" and vice versa? Suppose that this is what a rose looks to everyone but you:

Would you know? Maybe not. Immediately you want to say "well I'd know the first time I called a cucumber 'red' and then everyone stared at me." But you wouldn't call the cucumber "red"; you'd call it "green" because that's what you've been taught is the name of that color. Similarly, when you scoffed at that silly-looking "green" rose pictured above, and discussed it with one of your "normal-sighted" friends they'd scoff as well: "A green rose? That's kinda weird..."

It's a philosophical puzzle, yes, but if I posted about every philosophical puzzle I found interesting we'd have no readership and I'd spend all my time navel-gazing. What's interesting is that I recently read a suggestion that this isn't just plausible but in fact likely for a small minority of the population. You could have this specific experience right now and not know it (!)

Here's the somewhat technical-sounding argument from Psychologist Stephen Palmer (who inspired this post):

The argument goes like this. Normal trichromats have three different pigments in their three cone types. Some people, called protanopes, are red-green color blind because they have a gene that causes their long-wavelength (L) cones to have the same pigment as their medium-wavelength (M) cones. Other people, called deuteranopes, have a different form of red-green color blindness because they have a different gene that causes their M-cones to have the same pigment as their L-cones... Now suppose that someone had the genes for both forms of red-green color blindness simultaneously... Such people, would therefore not be red-green color blind at all, but simply red-green reversed trichromats.{5} They should exist. Assuming they do, they are proof that this color transformation is either undetectable or very difficult to detect by purely behavioral means, because nobody has ever managed to identify one.

They "should exist" and you could well be one of them! It raises all sorts of other questions/considerations too. Consider two adjectives: "fiery" and "lush." Does it seem like a red field could be "lush" in the same way that a green field could?

If you're like me, your gut response is "no way." But if we were to see red as the color of grass all of our lives and to identify a saturated bright, deep red with soft grass and rainforests and ferns would it be different? Rationally that sounds possible, but I honestly can't really imagine it. To me "green" seems to have an inherent capacity for "lushness" that red does not. "Fiery" makes the problem even more evident though; doesn't red seem to have an inherent "fiery-ness" to it? It does to me; it seems fiery in a way that green could never seem "fiery." But of course "fiery" is so named because it's the color of fire, and one would suppose that if we saw fire in shades of green the adjective would remain unchanged.

Of course the irony is that me or someone reading/puzzling over this matter may well be a reverse-tritanope (someone who sees green and red reversed.) You may well walk to the stove after reading this and stare at what most of us would call a "green stove coil" trying to wrap your head around how any other color could seem quite as fiery as does this green, hotly glowing through the coil that's boiling your water.

Could you eat this watermelon?

Some fine print:
At root it's an old idea; at least as old as John Locke. The problem was posed by Locke as the problem of the "Inverted Color Spectrum"; Locke imagines a world in which some people saw the opposite color on the color spectrum than others (yellow for blue, etc.) and concluded that they'd likely never know. There's good reason to think that this isn't true: color isn't as simple as hue as any amateur photoshop-tinkerer knows. Intensity (white and black) is important as is brightness and comparing yellow brightness levels to blue in those hypothetically afflicted would result in disproportionate reports of "brightness" (yellow looks brighter than blue at the same intensity.) Yeah don't take my word for it, take psychologist Stephen Palmer's as it's his counter-proof.

Also it's nearly impossible to remain consistent with color terms in a discussion like this without falling all over yourself saying "what you see as red, but what we'd see as green but still call red" every time. I really dropped the gloves in the final image with the coils, but hopefully the idea was clear enough at that point that it was coherent.

The Basketball Coach Comedian

2008-06-17T08:31:00.000-06:00

UNSOLVED MYSTERIES

2008-06-10T09:29:00.004-06:00

I recently ran across practically the only legitimately scary/spooky "unsolved" spooky occurrence I've seen***. It's called the "incident at Dyatlov Pass." The cool thing about it is that the Wikipedia article is basically all you need, and something about the dry matter-of-fact wikipedia tone makes this extra scary, to me. Basically these Hikers in Russia went hiking and all died one night in the Ural Mountains. From the wiki:

The mysterious circumstances of the hikers' deaths have inspired much speculation. Investigations of the deaths suggest that the hikers tore open their tent from within, departing barefoot in heavy snow; while the corpses show no signs of struggle, one victim had a fractured skull, two had broken ribs, and one was missing her tongue.[1] The victims' clothing contained high levels of radiation.[1] Soviet investigators determined only that "a compelling unknown force" had caused the deaths, barring entry to the area for years thereafter.[1] The causes of the accident remain unclear.

Um, tore open the tents from the inside? High levels of radiation? ONE WAS MISSING HER TONGUE? Regarding the bodily injuries, wikipedia has this to say:

the body of Thibeaux-Brignollel had major skull damage, and both Dubunina and Zolotarev had major chest fractures. The force required to cause such damage would have been extremely high, with one expert comparing it to the force of a car crash. Notably, the bodies had no external wounds, as if they were crippled by a high level of pressure.

If someone wants to try and explain it, I'm all ears but don't get me wrong- I don't think unexplainable events are evidence of anything except for the fact that reality is strange enough to defy verisimilitude.

Here are some other things to really put you over the edge of freakiness if you're reading this late at night:

Smiley Face Murders (very recent and targeting men in their 20s)
Genital Retraction Syndrome

L'Inconnue_de_la_Seine

(famous death mask)
The Bloop (how can you not read it, with that name)

Also, here's the "explanation" of the picture at the top of this post (the only non-wiki link of the bunch):

*** When I was way younger I loved stuff like this and had a book called "Mysteries of the Unexplained." I recently looked at it and found it pretty silly, hence the sentence.

New Zealand Politician Dons to KKK Costume

2008-06-05T08:54:00.002-06:00

To Protest "National Hoodie Day!" If that doesn't sound that interesting, this is a clip of him debating the merits of his decision with a black professor and he chooses to wear the same KKK costume on TV for the live debate! It actually gets 100 times crazier at around the 3:00 mark so stick around.

Why is this page taking so long to load? Bush Edition

2008-05-30T08:37:00.002-06:00

Judged solely on the hilarity of his photos, Bush is the greatest president of all time. Considering other facets he doesn't fare quite as well, of course. But today I'd just like to take a moment to appreciate this man's long and storied romance with the camera.

A Photo Narrative:

DFW and Patton

2008-05-27T13:01:00.003-06:00

Don't you love it when your favorite people are mentioned in a similar vein or -better yet- by one another? Finding out Dave Eggers likes Sufjan Stevens, that David Simon likes Chomsky, that Hume liked Rousseau (for awhile) etc. Well one of my favorite comedians, Patton Oswalt mentioned David Foster Wallace and how DFW changed him with his 2005 commencement speech (which Patton recently read.) Here's the original DFW commencement address (well worth reading) and here are Patton Oswalt's thoughts, along with his own differently awesome commencement speech.

A Gif post

2008-05-02T10:52:00.004-06:00

GIF files (which are officially pronounced "jiff" but are pronounced by every normal person as having a hard "g" sound) are like perfect youtube clips for people with really short attention spans. In other words they're the way of the future.

This one is mindblowing.

Scary Journey

2008-04-30T09:16:00.003-06:00

This is a walking path up El camino del ray, an infamous hiking path in Spain. The walk is intense and often mind-boggling and unfortunately set to adult top 40 spiritual techno (but somehow it works.) This is comparable to- but not nearly as bad as- the french crane-pull-up video we posted

Interesting note, that is the first thing I've ever posted here that was actually FWDed to me! All my bitching about worthless FWDs and this one and actually delivers.

80% accurate infidelity test

2008-04-26T15:19:00.003-06:00

We post lots of youtube videos, however this one could not go unposted. It somehow seems like the ne plus ultra of all the female "say my name"/"is my man faithful" R&B songs. I can't spoil the catchphrase here so just watch.

Also, have you ever noticed that seemingly all pro-female rap/r&b songs feature a guest male rap verse that undermines the entire message of the song?

Nalgene and Internet memes

2008-04-18T18:05:00.003-06:00

Where do those forwards you get about toxic lemon slices and assault-prevention come from? We're about to find out as I give you this expose on Nalgene bottles. Apparently the plastic they use (Bisphenol A) has some serious health side effects!

With more than 6 million pounds produced in the United States each year, bisphenol A is found in dental sealants, baby bottles, the liners of food cans, CDs and DVDs, eyeglasses and hundreds of household goods. The chemical has been linked to neurological and behavioral problems in infants and babies, along with certain cancers, diabetes and obesity.

I feel a special sort of schadenfreude as I read this because I've been a tireless crusader against Nalgene bottle simply because they're dumb. I would always ask people why they were willing to pay 15 bucks for a bottle of water and basically the only reason I was ever given was "they're practically unbreakable, man!" Yeah, that's my major problem with water bottles; I'm ALWAYS breaking them. My Dasani (made from tap water, btw) 20oz nearly broke in my hands the other day!

MZ and I even wrote a song called Dark Logic (named after a machete of ours) featuring the lyrics "where's my Nalgene." The lyrics (all 3 words of it) mercilessly lampooned those adventurers with their $1000 polypropylene socks and synthetic fleece overlays that apparently "wick" the sweat from your body via sheer magic. If the Nalgenes don't kill them I will.

Watch it here right now

2008-04-18T12:27:00.001-06:00

So you can roll your eyes in 7 days when your friend sends it to you.

The Most Unwanted Song

2008-04-17T08:56:00.003-06:00

In the 90s 2 Russian conceptual artists got together to discover the most hated aspects of songs (instruments, lyrical content, singing style) and then create that song. The results are amazing and I expect noone to appreciate it more than my own co-blogger, Nhoj. Here's the result:

The most unwanted music is over 25 minutes long, veers wildly between loud and quiet sections, between fast and slow tempos, and features timbres of extremely high and low pitch, with each dichotomy presented in abrupt transition. The most unwanted orchestra was determined to be large, and features the accordion and bagpipe (which tie at 13% as the most unwanted instrument), banjo, flute, tuba, harp, organ, synthesizer (the only instrument that appears in both the most wanted and most unwanted ensembles). An operatic soprano raps and sings atonal music, advertising jingles, political slogans, and "elevator" music, and a children's choir sings jingles and holiday songs. The most unwanted subjects for lyrics are cowboys and holidays, and the most unwanted listening circumstances are involuntary exposure to commercials and elevator music. Therefore, it can be shown that if there is no covariance--someone who dislikes bagpipes is as likely to hate elevator music as someone who despises the organ, for example--fewer than 200 individuals of the world's total population would enjoy this piece.

The operatic rapping about cowboys is the most obvious feature, and the most immediately awesome but the children's choir singing about the holidays is pretty awesome too. So, there's an mp3 at this site but I've also upped it here if that link goes down. I'm just waiting for the first band to cover it in full.

Near death Experiences

2008-03-25T19:19:00.001-06:00

As someone who would never watch "Faces of Death", this is the closest I can get to that stuff. Here's extreme brushes with death in which the person survives, often unharmed.

You're not the Father

2008-03-10T17:59:00.001-06:00

Apparently this guy is ok with the news.

effing Ben Affleck like they were in prison

2008-03-07T16:41:00.003-07:00

Alert commenter eferrini kindly pointed us to Jimmy Kimmel's response to the Matt Damon video

If you haven't seen it yet you really must- it's even better than the other I think.

two zoellers one cup

This is not better, it's the BEST

2008-02-22T15:14:00.002-07:00

PicLens is the BEST Firefox extension I have ever seen. (PC and Mac compatible)

Vacation Time?

2008-02-21T12:20:00.002-07:00

How much vacation time do you get at your job? I'm guessing your answer is somewhere between "not enough" and "I couldn't take it anyway". I recently discovered one company with a very different philosophy on allowing their employees to have a life. Motek is a software firm in Beverly Hills, CA that encourages vacations of 5 weeks. They send everybody home at 5pm and lock the door on the weekends. They'll even give you $5,000 to help you pay for vacations of 3 weeks or more. And if you can handle this type of a work environment for 10 years, they will lease you a luxury car and pay for the insurance. Think this sounds too good to be true? Check out the article here before you drop your resume in the mail.

Climbing a Crane in France

2008-02-13T15:11:00.002-07:00

Not sure why but this video affects me like no other. Nothing bad happens, and I know that but it still makes me uncomfortable.

She's Effing Matt Damon

2008-02-01T11:01:00.001-07:00

Apparently there is history between Jimmy Kimmel and Matt Damon. Damon finally got his revenge. (thanks Leah)

Super Bowl Frenzy

2008-01-31T16:46:00.000-07:00

I love Chris Berman. I really do. This video just came out after 8 years of hiding. Apparently Chris takes his work seriously and some of the off camera crew was upsetting him.

Sick Sk8 Video Bro

2008-01-31T15:56:00.000-07:00

Amazing slow-motion skate video intro by Spike Jonze. Thanks to Kottke for the link.

Don't get too excited

2008-01-31T13:32:00.001-07:00

This is a tribute video to all of the classic internet fads, mostly youtube related. Supposedly this all stuff that "We've all seen one billion times" but actually I'd only seen or heard of about 60%. Admittedly, much of it isn't funny- Did anyone like Numa Numa really? But it's a great "did you miss this" compilation and it's kind of catchy to boot. It just seemed like a natural end to this experiment, since for me it was launching point into other stuff like "Chocolate Rain" or the Kubrick Audition.

Well that wraps up our little experiment- thanks to Leah, Erin, Meghan and Zoellers Pants Down for all their help. See you soon with "In Defense of Tom Cruise" and "Two perspectives on Spinozan metaphysics in Tin Cup ."

Almost done

2008-01-29T22:21:00.000-07:00

I've known what the last youtube post was going to be for awhile, but the second to last? not so much. These past 30 days John and I have posted videos that were largely unique and at least somewhat under the radar. I mean, there was no "evolution of dance" or anything that had over 10 million views. The goal was for 8/10 of the videso the be ones you hadn't seen and hopefully we did it right. These videos are Gi Joe parodies, which apparently made a pretty good splash on the internet long ago. I completely missed it though and when I saw these recently i was thrilled/delighted since I remember how every GI Joe episode ended with a little PSA. Always with the lesson "and knowing is half the battle." The best thing about these videos is that they don't really make fun of the GI Joe PSAs so much as they just use the videso as a springboard for funny random shit. There are tons of these but here are my faves.

Homestretch

2008-01-29T07:37:00.000-07:00

Christian the lion was adopted by these two guys as a cub and when he got too big he was released back into the wild. After a few years they go to try and meet with him again along with several members of the media (standing safely back and expecting the worst.) Do yourself a favor and watch it.

Still going

2008-01-27T21:48:00.000-07:00

This news organization screw up the video of a woman who's recovering from a lightening strike and the skips make her look like a spaz. The best part is the guy's reaction though- I guess I just love seeing people trying to hold back laughter.

Polar bear costume

2008-01-26T10:53:00.000-07:00

This little girl is terrified of a polar bear, understandably so since the polar bear seems to be convinced her polar bear costume is the real thing. It's in a zoo so don't expect to be too disturbed but it's funny.

Not Sure

2008-01-24T21:49:00.000-07:00

I feel like i certainly would've put this on the blog before but I can't find it. I'll double up tomorrow if this one has been on here. Anyone?

My best guess is that this is some English instructional aerobic video. Yes i admit that's not a creative guess but it's worth a look nonetheless.

There is nothing better than this video

2008-01-23T17:42:00.001-07:00

Nothing.

The Scientist and The Stairmaster

2008-01-23T09:49:00.000-07:00

This article blew my mind. It's about exercise and weightloss and about how exercise seems to be uncorrelated. It's fascinating and a highly recommended read. I knew there was a reason I didn't exercise!

Interesting Stuff

2008-01-23T09:41:00.000-07:00

This is the video of an experimental "anomaly" from a person trying to construct a perpetual motion machine. It's strangely riveting I thought- especially at the point where he shuts down the magnets and the device actually speeds up, despite the fact that the magnets are apparently propelling it initially.

Back in the day

2008-01-22T08:46:00.000-07:00

I used to collect videos on my computer because there was no youtube. You'd have to search the P2P networks like Kazaa for keywords like "funny" "hilarious" and "monkey pees in mouth" to find the really good stuff. Because not many people had the patience or this, having new people in my dorm room ofen meant showing them the 10-15 awesome videos I'd collected. This is one of them, but remember that this was before youtube. It was like picking your favorite song back when the only new music you found was from 98.7 The COBRA when the morning DJ wasn't blasting Foghat so go easy. It's still funny though:

Jake E. Lee

2008-01-20T20:26:00.000-07:00

Shredding like you wouldn't believe. Ozzy's clapping is what really makes it- this video is utterly surreal.

Transition Back

2008-01-20T13:57:00.000-07:00

Matt's back for a bit. If this video doesn't absolutely blow you away then I don't know what to say. Hat tip to Nhoj for reminding me that youtube is blocked as some people's work. This is non-youtube.

-

By the way, these are dolphins blowing air rings in the ocean if it wasn't obvious.

Roller Coaster

2008-01-18T16:26:00.000-07:00

I just never know what to expect from Terrell Owens. It's been a roller coaster ride since he orchestrated his landing in Philly so he could play with McNabb. (after the 49ers attempted to trade him to Baltimore) He then attacked McNabb after losing the Super Bowl and was eventually forced to sit out much of his Philly career. So when Dallas lost last weekend I didn't know what TO would say.... turns out he has a softer side.

I'm Sorry

2008-01-18T16:19:00.000-07:00

I had no intention of posting this video that consists of nothing more than toilet humor. (no pun intended) But when I watched the video I couldn't help but LOL.

Maddenisms

2008-01-18T08:31:00.000-07:00

Just about everybody does an impersonation of John Madden. It's easy to nail his over the top obvious statements. The hard part is getting his grumbling voice. Frank Caliendo does one of the better impersonations I've heard.

I Am Your Brother... Your Best Friend Forever

2008-01-18T00:36:00.000-07:00

At the risk of appearing obsessed with American Idol... I'm going to post another video from this weeks 4 hours of auditions. This is probably my favorite audition in 7 seasons and it will likely be the best moment of this season. Just try not singing along with this guy. I dare you.

American Idol is Back

2008-01-17T12:02:00.000-07:00

I know that literally everybody loves American Idol... yet nearly everybody I know personally seems to hate it. I watched Tuesday's Season 7 premier episode, and was delighted to be introduced to some very colorful characters. Without American Idol I would likely go through my life without meeting the dozen or so stand-out oddballs whose stint on AI typically lasts no more than 30 seconds.

I'm going to try and post some of my favorites this season. Props to Leah for emailing me this gem today.

On Tuesday's episode we were treated to nearly 8 minutes of Alexis Cohen. Simon went surprisingly easy on her, but Alexis didn't see it that way.

I couldn't help but feel bad for Christina Tolisano, and even worse for her Grandparents.

And finally.. Here is my early pick for the top 12 based on the Philly audition. If anybody knows her please tell her I have a place she can stay just minutes from Hollywood.

How did you spend your Tuesday?

2008-01-17T10:49:00.000-07:00

Tuesday was the annual Macworld Expo Keynote Address. It's the annual speech given by Steve Jobs in which he reviews recent Apple innovations and announces upcoming products. The 2008 Keynote received mixed reviews. Steve Jobs did not mention a 3G iPhone although he did present the much anticipated Apple Macbook Air. There is so much hype around the keynote that many investors buy and sell Apple stock before and after the speech in anticipation of revolutionary product announcements. Last year the iPhone was announced and stock surged. This year, investors would have lost.

If your wondering what all of the hype is about and you have an hour and a half to kill... Check out the speech in its entirety here. If you would prefer a much more entertaining 60 second version of Jobs' speech, watch below.

Best Street Party Ever

2008-01-16T10:36:00.000-07:00

All this guy did was throw a sick street party (that resulted in thousands of dollars in vandalism to the neighborhood) and now the Melbourne Police Department is fining him $20,000. For some reason the interviewer thinks that an apology must be sunglasses free, but the young lad refuses because his "glasses are famous".

My favorite line is when the interviewer suggests he "go and take a good long hard look at yourself". He replies, "I have, everyone has, they love it".

Favorite Youtube Video

2008-01-15T01:41:00.000-07:00

What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't post my favorite youtube video of all time. I could watch this video every day for the rest of my life and I don't think it would get old.

Green Team

2008-01-14T00:51:00.000-07:00

I'm going to start off my week of video posting by amending Matt's resolution. Matt made the resolution to post a "youtube" video a day for a month. I'm going to mix things up a bit and start things off with a non-youtube video. I know a lot of companies block youtube.com so I'm dedicating this post to their very unfortunate employees.

I'm sure most of you have already seen The Landlord. The same guys decided to make this inspiration video about saving the environment. Will Ferrell, John C. Reilly, and Adam McKay make up the "Green Team". My favorite part is when they beat up a guy for driving a Prius. "Just because it's a hybrid doesn't mean it doesn't burn gas". (*language may be nsfw)

Don't sleep on the posts below (the weekend posts)

2008-01-13T19:49:00.000-07:00

I actually posted some this weekend. This is just a video post but the one yesterday is well worth while. This is an alternate Duck Tales intro that's very WTF. It's short and weird enough to be worth your time- Webby Vanderquack gets abducted by a child molester. Yes I had to look up "Webby Vanderquack"- does not sound familiar at all.

Okay, now

Finding Online Music, free --- the best methods

2008-01-11T22:44:00.000-07:00

There's no point in holding back anymore- I might as well explain all of my free music tricks. After all, I'll be making another Oink post in the coming weeks that'll attempt to make you feel guilty for not supporting bands so I might as well set this up beforehand. I'm currently digging in the vaults for music (going through a phase as I do once or twice a year where I'm sequestered in the computer room blaring weird music like "No more mosquitoes") so I figured I would take this opportunity to go over how to hear music.

1. My most recommended method for downloading music free is elbo.ws. Say there's a band you're dying to hear- Vampire Weekend, say. You use Matt's special hack to and utilize the following address: elbo.ws/tracks/vampire+weekend. If you want a different band replace the words "vampire" and "weekend" keeping the plus sign there. Trust me it's so much more readable this way. You are presented with a list of every Vampire Weekend song posted on a major music blog in the last 2 years or so, along with links to the relevant posts. The most glaring advantage of this is that you get to take advantage of this "wisdom of crowds" phenomenon you're always hearing about, and actually download the most blogged about song. You've heard good things about Caribou but you don't know what to get? Heading on over to elbo.ws will show you that "Melody Day" is the one to get and, guess what, that's correct.

You just have to be smart here- remember elbo.ws is just indexing blogs not hosting files and so if a blog post is 422 days old, chances are the file's no longer hosted (though it happens, certainly.) You will click the link of a recent blog post and navigate the blog post to the to the link for the song and then right click it and save it (I actually always left click first to ensure it'll work.) I would grade this a 10/10 method for finding new, cool music. Substantially less for finding some old U2 song off War that you really gotta hear now. Which is fine- the thing to enjoy about free online music is broadening your musical horizons, not fattening your musical library for stuff you know you like already. It gets another 10/10 for introducing you to good blogs though- i found the leather canary from there (Checked out the year-end top 10 and while browsing ran across a few posts about the wire which set my heart aflutter.)

2. The best way to listen only is to go with either hype machine or youtube. Yes you already knew the youtube thing but if every song you want to hear is on youtube then well, you suck. Hype Machine will not let you download the songs but you can basically stream any song that's been posted to a blog recently, even if that song is no longer on the blog. That last part is key. Simple enough- go to hypemachine and search then hit the play button.

3. I feel bad telling you this because it's such a kick-ass method and it's also something that can be abused. Go to blogsearch.google.com and enter the name of an artist and an album, probably in quotes if you can. Finally enter the name of a popular file hosting site (c'mon I can't hold your hand through all of this- I've linked several in my top ten post.) The search results will pull up several blogs that have simply hosted entire albums to be downloaded, free. You will likely need to deal with a .rar file but, c'mon is it worth it to you to spend 2 minutes figuring it out and heading to download.com to pick up extractnow? I hate to be a spoilsport but if you download any albums that you don't own already, I would highly suggest that you support the band via merch or concerts. Another option is to just make sure you send a check for 97% of what you would've paid to the Major Label record company, since that's roughly how much they make off of CD sales. I can't stress this enough.

4. Shareminer works off of a very similar principle to #3, but you should understand what you're doing.

5. Amazon's pretty decent- DRM free mp3s for cheap. Not free though.

Finally, here's a Gucci commercial by David Lynch:

Having a TV on but only showing snow is very Lynchian (is that like that kid in squid in the whale calling The Metamorphosis "Kafkaesque"? The pulsing bassline that introduces the chorus is made so much better and more significant by Lynch coupling it quick cuts of a ceiling lamp (?). It makes the chorus sound bigger (it sounds like the increase the volume too) and improves the song which is one of the best things about it.

So...

2008-01-11T20:57:00.000-07:00

I'll post this weekend- a rarity in the blog world- and then TOR will pick up the posting for the next week and post his favorite videos, possibly coupled with random musings. This is my favorite Mr. Show bit: Mayosturd. The "Wow you used seperate jars of mustard and mayaoniase" MOM: (wink) bit kills me.

American Gladiators

2008-01-10T21:35:00.000-07:00

I remember watching American Gladiators all the time when I was a kid. I don't remember much except for the padding and the names: laser, turbo, nitro, etc.

Whatever 14-year-old was allowed to name all the gladiators*** must have grown up to name trendy bars. Dazzle, Tryst, Sutra, Tabu, Ice, Chemistry etc. really just sound like the same "American Gladiator" naming principle now expressed through the mind of a vapid 20-something. I feel like this could've been a good joke with more work, but I think I'll settle for "witticism" here with my self-imposed daily-post requirement.

It brings to mind Malibu, probably the greatest American Gladiator. I don't remember him at all but based on the two clips available on youtube I willing to stand by the claim. Even though it seems like you should probably watch the injury video before you watch the post-injury interview video, I don't think that's right. It seems funnier to watch him first that way you can appreciate the full injury video all the better (in which he apparently gets injured by kicking himself in the head!) His style/image is fascinating because it seems like over-the-top parody and yet somehow you feel that Malibu's persona is absolutely real.

Malibu talks about his injury (the last line is clearly the best FYI):

Malibu's complete injury clip:

*** Though someone must've forbade "ninja" unless I'm mistaken.

This is actually day 9 if you count my music post.

2008-01-09T20:27:00.000-07:00

Keeping track is the toughest part. There's an awesome reader top-ten list in the comments of last post- the aforementioned Matt C. His top song, "Ain't it strange" by Dr. Dog is highly recommended as well. The UGK song just missed my list and is one of the best rap songs this year- also awesome. Checking out many of the others now...

Here's a high school prank utilizing an underground tunnel between a high school and a cafeteria. The Endless Crosswalk.

Day 7 I owe 2

2008-01-08T22:09:00.000-07:00

Leah pointed out, rightly, that I posted Jonathan the Zombie twice. It was a pretty good clip but damn, that's some forgetful shit eh? So here're two to make up for it.

Human Tetris (Japanese style)

A wedding video that impersonates the entire Dirty Dancing dance, including that retarded solo on his knees head-roll thing that Swayze does.

See you tomorrow!

Top 10 songs from top 10 lists

2008-01-07T21:27:00.000-07:00

I already mentioned my love of year end top ten lists; I find more music out during this 1 month span than I do during the rest of the year. It's because of this that I'd like to do something a little tricky, which is to post my "top 10 songs that i discovered via top 10 lists." The glaring flaw in this is that you don't know what songs I already know/like and therefore couldn't make the list. Okay, so at the end of this list I'll give my "pre december 07 top 10 list" (not that it's changed much) and that can provide some insight. In the meantime, enjoy discovering new stuff/making fun of me for not hearing that one song earlier.

Top 10 songs of 2007 that I discovered/rediscovered in the last month. These links take you sites where you can actually download the songs by the way (I uploaded them for you) so take a listen and tell me what you think:
1. Franz Ferdinand- All my friends. Sorry guys but keeping the melody and ditching the repetitive goddamn piano bit was a good call.
2. Yeasayer- 2080. everything about this song kicks. You can stream this one too:
3. JUSTICE- DANCE This track is a great illustration of why I love year-end lists. I heard this song way back, loved it and forgot about it.
4. Santogold- LES ARTISTES She doesn't have an album out yet but she's already garnering comparisons to MIA and the Yeah Yeah yeahs. MIA cause she's not white and the Yeah Yeah yeahs because it actually applies to the music.
5. MGMT- Time to Pretend It's about becoming a rockstar or something but it's instantly likable.
6. Patrick Wolf- The Magic Position One of my favorite pure pop songs of the past few years.
7. Electralane- To the East
8. Heart it Races- Dr. Dog I'll actually give the credit to this Matt C. on this one since he convinced me to listen to more than just "Easy beat" (which I love.)
9. Sea Wolf- You're a Wolf love the cello harmony on the chorus- reminds me of the end of Nirvana's cover of "man Who Sold the World." Seriously.
10. Chromatics- In the city great sound this band.

1. Radiohead- Reckoner there are a lot of Radiohead tracks that could've been selected for this list (a normal year would have 15 step, Nude and Arpeggi at 1,2,3.) I went with this one because its so original- It's rare to hear such a beautiful song over an almost jungle beat- compared with the equally beautiful Nude which is presented in roughly standard Radiohead ballad format, this one gets the nod.
2 MIA- paper planes Just because "Banner Prepaid wireless" is mentioned in this song, I want to get it now- that's how good this song is.
3. Arcade Fire- Well and the lighthouse The "Resurrected
Living in a lighthouse" section is absolutely irresistible. You will learn it and you will sing it. Even though there are better overall songs on Neon Bible (Like Ocean of Noise) the sing-along ending is one of my favorite musical moments of the year, so I couldn't resist.
4. The National- Fake Empire (the most elegant and subtle political song since Bulls on Parade by Rage against the machine***)
5. Wilco- you are my face – Pulling off this song is something that only Wilco could do. Taking a sleepy gorgeous ballad and injecting squaling guitars and a rocked-out middle section and somehow improving it.
6. Bishop Allen- news from your bed One of those songs where you want to learn all the lyrics so you can sing along loudly.
7. deerhoof +81- After I heard it I couldn't rest until I learned it on guitar. Best Riff of the year. (no arguments about how this song leaked in 12/06 please.)
8. Bros- Panda Bear – I don't understand why I don't listen to this song all the time. It's amazing.
9. Stars- Sleep Tonight (junior boys remix) This would be higher except I was SO pissed about the Jr Boys remix of "perfect crime #2"- abysmal. Sorry- grudge.
10. Radiohead- 4 minute warning. This actually 1 or 2 but I've already pumped up this song so much that I don't need to waste anymore capital on it.

Also, so this cop grabs a dude's penis. Turn the sound up- really.

*** yes of course that's a joke, though I'm not knocking the band or their politics.

Day 6? Anyway- still going

2008-01-06T22:49:00.000-07:00

This is probably the most oddly funny video on youtube, and I don't say that lightly. Your guess is as good as mine.

Day 5: probably putting too many good videos upfront

2008-01-05T23:18:00.000-07:00

This is a video of reasons why Celine Dion is amazing. This video actually starts a little slow, but stick around and you'll be thoroughly rewarded.

Post number 4 in the 30 day challenge!

2008-01-04T22:56:00.000-07:00

A true classic: Jonathan the Zombie. make sure you watch it several times to get the full effect. Then go watch the parody threads.

Top 5 Comedians of the Year

2008-01-02T20:36:00.000-07:00

I love end of the year lists. I always discover so much new music because, seriously, how can you not want to listen to someone's favorite song of the entire year (even if it's, without exception, "All My Friends" by LCD Soundsystem)? Kottke always posts a great year-end list of his best links (which makes for excellent retrospective reading) and there are countless good year-end lists for almost anything else you can think of. Almost. That's because I ran across a compendium of year-end lists at Fimoculous and excitedly pored through the lists only to be stopped dead in my tracks by the lack of comedy lists (even though they were thoughtful enough to have a column for it.) There were zero at the time of writing!

What's funny is that this is year I deliberately set out to find good comedy. Sure I waded through some crappy stuff (like Jimmy Norton) but actually think I'm in a position to produce a top 5 comedians of the year list, no joke. So here goes:

1. Patton Oswalt.
This is the year of the Patton. He made an animated comedy watchable and he released the comedy album of the year, Werewolves and Lollipops. He's consistently funny and appealing to every cool person, which is nice. This is the opening track from the album meaning it's a joke I've heard WAY too much (playing it for people) but it's 1st for a reason. KFC's famous bowls:

I read a review pointing out how Patton seems somehow completely in control of every moment he's onstage while still seeming to maintain a looseness and free-flowing effortlessness. Yeah.

2. Maria Bamford.
She released the comedy album "How to Win!" this year and she has a really phenomenal act. Her voices are always an awesome effect, but I think she's at her best parodying standard gender comedy ("Am I right ladies?")

3. Demetri Martin
Yes, that "Mitch Hedberg with a guitar" label haunts this guy and it's clear he owes a serious debt to Mitch (especially with the food one liners and naming conventions jokes) but it doesn't make his stuff one bit less funny. This is probably the best youtube video on this list as someone was nice enough to compile the very best of the best from Demetri. I especially recommend #3.

4. Daniel Tosh
Basically he's Dane Cook but funny. He makes faces like Stifler and seems to have some women issues but I have to admit that he's pretty effing good. You do get the sense that there's a very obscure edgy side to him that he keeps under the gauze of Waverunner jokes- I wouldn't be surprised if he wound up being one of the funniest, darkest comedians around, playing to small clubs. I also wouldn't be shocked if in 5 years he was doing horrible observational stories in front of Arena's packed with 20000 people who laugh at inappropriate times. In fact, I will state for the record that I refuse to be surprised under any circumstances with regard to this guy's career.

Check out this video: Daniel Tosh

Add to My Profile | More Videos

His whole special is on youtube so you can keep following the links to watch the whole thing.

5. Paul F Tompkins
New CD called Impersonal out this year and it rules. Like Louis CK this is a guy with so much material that every thing I hear of his seems to be new. The downside of that is that you've got all of your favorite jokes on some obscure bootleg and nobody's heard them. Youtube videos work the opposite though- here's an obscure one about the RAZR's grease feature that I like (though it's no "Migrant Worker Fantasy camp" from Impersonal.)

Paul F. Tompkins Stand-up

Posted May 01, 2007

Paul has a cell phone and it does amazing things... like spell.

Honorable Mention:
6. Sarah Silverman makes it with her hit show that was hilarious for 1 season and is still eminently watchable. Here's her star making turn (I suppose) in the Aristocrats.

7. Louis CK. The only guy on this list that doesn't have a new CD or special, he
s been touring endlessly this year and has a ton of new material. I'm including a few Louis CK jokes because I literally can't recommend anything purchasable of his (Live in Houston is decent but it's not even the same guy really.) Go see him Live and you'll get it. The first video is "Duck Vaginas"

This one is on Gay marriage and is top-shelf Louis. Yeah I'm running out of superlatives so I just used "top shelf." Blogging is tough.

4:45 into this one features one of my favorite jokes ever, entitled "Why?"

Day 2: I like Turtles

2008-01-02T20:29:00.000-07:00

A true classic. Worth a few viewings in a row, as it's just pitch perfect. The lady's reactions, the kid's dead-faced stare, the accent on "turtles."

In other news, it turns out that David Simon reads Chomsky so that feels good.

New Years Resolution

2007-12-27T20:40:00.000-07:00

I will post one awesome youtube video per day every day for the month of January, along with other select content. Check back every day for something cool starting....

Now.

This is a video of the inmates from a prison in the Philippines acting out Thriller. Yeah, hardened criminals just dancing their asses off. I feel somehow like all of them could be released now and they'd never do wrong again.

I've got this idea about a cool search engine that would work for content sites with "star rating" features. Youtube, for instance. Everyone knows that all "star rating" systems are shitty because there's always some a-hole's friends video that has 5 stars on Youtube only because 50 people have watched it. I want a way to set an exact star rating and minimum view-count and search with or without keywords.

You following me? You are so not following me. Think about it: how much would you love to search youtube videos that have had over 1 million views and still have a 5 star rating. Maybe there's still one- wouldn't you want to see that? Or search for "Monkey" and filter by 200k views and a 4 star rating. Someone will invent this simple technology and I'm not going to ask for something unrealistic like mailing me a million bucks or pulling up next to me in a Lamborghini and throwing me the keys. Just give me a great job in the company is all.

WILL SMITH LOVES HITLER!

2007-12-24T07:46:00.000-07:00

You've really got to see this Yahoo news headline about Will Smith "shocking the world." Will Smith makes the reasonable claim that "I think he woke up in the morning and using a twisted, backwards logic, he set out to do what he thought was 'good'" Will's claim only being backed up with the thought and prestige of Socrates. So Yahoo quotes that lower in the body and puts the headline as "Smith: 'Hitler was a good person'"!

Merry Christmas

2007-12-21T22:08:00.000-07:00

We'll try to get our songs of the year up when the year is actually over! Not like thos eager beavers at... say... Pitchfork.

Nice Wand

2007-12-18T11:37:00.000-07:00

This story is making the rounds through the entire corporate community. Maybe his "family emergency" in New York was an emergency drunken fairy family reunion.

Finding Downloadable content in a post-oink World

2007-12-10T11:18:00.000-07:00

Centralized hub sites like waffles.fm and what.cd are taking off but securing an invite is pretty tough. In the meantime I highly recommend utilizing the site shareminer in order to find and obtain albums (I advise that you only download albums that you've paid for and want digital copies of.) Shareminer basically uses all of these google tools that some of us have been utilizing to find online content. The bottom line is that there are these file hosting sites like Rapidshare that allow free uploads and downloads of fairly large files. Blogs whose contributors have uploaded albums to these sites are indexed via google and some have realized that searching them is a plausible way to obtain digital versions of albums.

To demonstrate I'd like to provide you with a somewhat new Noam Chomsky interview from the NPR "on point" series. It's brief but he manages to cover Sept. 11th, Hugo Chavez, Iran, The Democratic Party, Bill Clinton and more. It's hilarious to listen to that poor interviewer try to ask the same tired questions (How did you feel about Fox news' attack on Bill Clinton?) and wind up with typically unaffected Chomsky answers. One reason I imagine he's so rarely interviewed on major outlets is that he's developed this amazing ability to take a lame innocuous restrictive question and start talking about substantive things. Do a shareminer blog search for chomsky npr on point and this site should be pulled up (I can't check it because I haven't posted yet.)

Secondly, here's a way you could digitally backup your copy of Radiohead's new In Rainbows B-side collections (which you bought, right?) If that link doesn't work go to shareminer and search ' radiohead rainbows.' (not in quotes.)

Speaking of b-sides, here are the B-side videos (videos that didn't quite make the cut) from my forthcoming youtube post:

A cute young girl who's learned to say "whatever" with tons of attitude:

Some Jersey guys who are ready to party SO HARD (stay for the final quote: "I can't wait to watch this on youtube")

Joe Pesci rapping:

A cool dove commercial chronicling the images that young girls are exposed to:

A classic Stiller appearance on Extras (thanks zee.) Skip the first minute until the Stiller speaks and then you can stop watching if you like. It rules:

A stop motion beatbox video that's pretty alright:

Finally, Erin pointed me to an article by an utter moron which makes the case that Poor people have more babies because of social welfare programs. His solution? Cut social welfare programs of course! What makes it so funny is that even though the guy is making the case that "If there were no social welfare, richer families would logically be larger families, since they could support more children." He says in the very next sentence, "In fact all through recorded human history and continuing to the present day poorer families tend to be larger."

I don't throw around things like "Biggest idiot" too often but this has to set some sort of record. He is, by logical extension, claiming that "through all of recorded human history, social welfare programs have existed." (Otherwise he would by undermining his own point by positing a deeper underlying factor that would cause poorer families to have more kids.) This is silly enough, but given the way he defines the problem he should understand that he's basically advocating child-reduction via starvation. See ya next time.

The continuing saga of Business Sayings

2007-12-06T15:09:00.000-07:00

"You attract more flies with honey than you do with vinegar"

yes you do and who the fuck wants flies?

"Touch bases with you"

I hear this ALL THE TIME and it sounds dirty. Obviously the correct form is just "touch base."

Radiohead offers a rejoinder...

2007-12-03T11:57:00.000-07:00

... in the debate over whether 2007 is the greatest or the worst year for music. And please, let's not have any fuddy-duddies*** out there suggesting that it could be somewhere in between best or worst. I mean, after all if you've watched enough of the smartest man in the world you'd know that head size=intelligence because caterpillars have smaller heads than cats, that if we make him our dictator he will solve our problems, that he has "an above-average vocabulary" and that he is "closer to absolute truth than any man has been before [him]." You'd also learn about binary logic: "1 or zero, yes or no- Binary Logic is something you depend on." Watch the video (linked above) because he says it like a spokesperson for some local business council ("our firefighters are people you depend on.") even though he's basically ripping-off Apocalypse Now (read the 9th one down.)

Based on 4 listens, this might be my fave song of the year and it's not even on their album. Rather it's from the collection of B-sides Radiohead offered with their discbox set. Without further ado, Radiohead- 4 minute Warning.

*** Yeah, i said it.

3G iPhone in 2008

2007-11-29T15:38:00.000-07:00

The Wall Street Journal reported today that Apple will release a 3G capable iPhone sometime next year. The story did not specify a release date or even hint at what quarter the phone may come out.

This announcement by AT&T Chief executive Randall Stephenson probably didn't surprise anybody. It has been rumored since the announcement of the original 2G iPhone that a 3G iPhone would come along within a year. While obviously the 3G iPhone would address a major shortcoming of the iPhone, the quality of AT&T's 3G network may continue to overshadow the technology of the iPhone itself.

Google recently released their beta version of "My Location" which allows google maps to map your location without using GPS. This seems like a likely fix for iPhone users as the iPhone lacks GPS capability. What I am curious to see is whether Apple will consider this space and battery saving alternative in lieu of adding GPS to their 2nd Generation iPhone. I'm hoping they add GPS as it does not rely on cell reception to work effectively.

I still love my iPhone as much as I did when I reported on it back in June. It truly is a revolutionary product and I can't wait to see what Apple has in store for the iPhone next year. A gchat widget would be most excellent!

The Best of Craigslist

2007-11-28T11:40:00.000-07:00

Did everyone know that there was a Best of Craigslist site? I sure didn't.

Some good, interesting stuff on there including cancer rants, sorry you caught me making out with a dude on our date posts, ass-kicking machines and more.

Here's the text of my two favorite posts (neither of which I actually found- thanks sama and fox) right of the bat:

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3×5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this "grant money." I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.

Now the other one:

You: the guy who answers the phone at cottage inn pizza
Me: Hungry and stoned out of my gourd

I called you from my cell phone but had completely forgot who I was calling by the time you answered the phone. Of course, you were also baked to bajeezus and forgot to tell me that I had called Cottage Inn.

When you answered and said, “Whatsup?” I thought about it, and after a 20 second pause I told you that was hungry. You suggested I try a pizza, and I agreed that it was probably a good idea.

Then I asked you if you sold pizza and you said that you could make me one. I said I wanted anchovies and something else on my pizza. You asked me what that something else was.

We spent five minutes listing toppings until we figured out that I was trying to remember how to say: “Sun dried Tomatoes.” When you said: “We'll bake that right up for you,” we both started laughing uncontrollably.

It was the best pizza I ever had; I just wanted to thank you for helping me out.

Similar to the best of craigslist, there's a wikipedia page on unusual wikipedia articles that is well worth your time.

Errata:
A few amazing music maps, including a list of top artists sorted by state and country worldwide. and a map of the US that has songs playing right now on radio stations popping up like fireworks. That last one is truly, truly awesome.

An absolutely surreal picture of Bush visiting a burned group of veterans and trying to smile while he offers one of them what's honestly about the coolest t-shirt I've ever seen. It's here, but be advised- it's pretty brutal

Here's a collection of amazing drinking stories (only 5, and they're historically awesome) and the ~~first one~~ SECOND one, if you read through it, is clearly the greatest drinking story ever.

This yahoo uk collection of old people's sayings made me smile. (It's not G-rated BS either.)

That bear photo is from an awesome story that doesn't end as badly as you might think.

In other news, I'm preparing for a full-on youtube post soon with some great stuff so keep a lookout.

Seinfeld

2007-11-01T12:24:00.000-06:00

When I meet new people who are cool, there's a conversation that inevitably happens. I see it coming a mile away, but there's really nothing I can do. Cool people like the Seinfeld show, and in conversation cool people will often reference the Seinfeld show and simply assume that you, as a potential cool person, like said show. What I have to uncomfortably explain, then, is that I in fact never really got into Seinfeld and- though I love Curb your Enthusiasm- going back and watching, I don't seem to really enjoy the show very much.

What I've figured out though is that I have a very Seinfeld-esque reason for not liking Seinfeld, and for some reason that feels appropriate. Basically, I hate the god-damn slap-bass that plays in between every. single. effing. scene. It drives me insane, it doesn't sound like a real slap bass (and I'm quite sure that it's a synth-bass sound,) and they switch scenes so frequently that I guarantee I hear that sound more often than any Seinfeld joke. Isn't that a reason that Jerry himself could appreciate?

It got me thinking about other things like this. I sometimes find myself giving a speech when people ask me "Don't you just LOVE ______ (the Pixies)?" Something like "While I have listened do them and personally don't like them, let me take this time to acknowledge that I realize they are a. by all accounts a fantastic band and b. a band that all of the people I like in fact like. Me "not liking" the Pixies does not pass any judgment on the Pixies."

Here is a short "off the top of my head" list of books/movies/music/TV that I recognize as being almost certainly good/great, while I personally do not appreciate the qualities that make them so:
Television (the band, though this could apply more generally)
The Smiths
Tapes n' Tapes
Animal Collective
The Magnetic Fields
GBV
Sonic Youth
Scrubs
The Simpsons
Leo Tolstoy

Books movies music that I DON'T feel this way about (i.e. I secretly think they are actually not good/great, though they are largely perceived as such):
Babel
Sideways (big ups to Leah for helping me come out)
Pynchon
Art Brut
The Fiery Furnaces
Godspeed you Black Emperor
South Park
Blade Runner

Has anybody seen my Tambourine?

2007-10-31T08:37:00.000-06:00

This hard-to-see image is supposedly the new Cosby book called "come on people." Does anyone find this, along the graphic, amusing? I know Lindsay does.

Can a song be imprinted on someone's brain? I've been wondering about this in some form ever since my Dad idly speculated that it may the case for me with the Fleetwood Mac song "Sara." When I was a baby, the only surefire way to get me to fall asleep was hold me and dance gently to the song Sara***. The song still has immeasurable emotional resonance to me when I hear it, so enter that evidence in as Exhibit A.

More relevant to Halloween, however, is the song "Anything can happen on Halloween." It's from a made-for-TV movie called "The Worst Witch" that I must've seen once when I was very young (I seem to remember, in fact, that I being babysat at the time.) The movie is horrible in all the right ways, and has since become sort of a cult-classic along the lines of Plan 9 from Outer Space, but it's the Tim Curry performance that makes it truly legendary^^^^. It doesn't appear on this very worthwhile wikipedia "Worst Films of all-time" list but it probably just wasn't seen by enough people. After watching this movie once when very young I have, for the last 20 years, remembered the song "Anything can happen on Halloween" and had it stuck in my head several times each year.

I never knew what it was, or where it came from (other than faint memories of watching some Halloween movie and seeing the song in it) who sang it, etc. I only remembered the titular line, "Your hair could turn green" and "your sister could turn into a bat." I'm not sure why, but I never thought to google any of those phrases, and when I finally did (about 10 days ago) I was rewarded with a nostalgic treat. I ordered "the worst witch" from Amazon that day and while I wish I could say that "Anything can happen..." takes me back to some magical time in my life (it doesn't) it is actually a fantastic piece of work. It's very campy and poorly done, but at the time it's catchy as hell. Its bizarre non-sequitur lyrics (including the title of this post and couplets like "April first can be fun, new years eve is a bore") and Curry's awesome "scary" faces make for an excellent piece of comedy, well-deserving of it's mild youtube stardom. Here it is:

I've got a whole shitload of topics I want to cover including file-sharing, "bias" as a concept, and why I'm not a vegetarian but this stuff really takes time (John, AKA "Johnny Neverposts" will tell you.) For preparation though, make sure you've purchased the Radiohead album or else you're soon to feel guilty. Also, I just read an article that suggests that "The Week" is owned by "The National Review"- this would make sense given how often they (The Week) cite that damn magazine but it made me want to talk about Bias. Mainly because I'm the only one I know who actually isn't a fan of the Week. However, I keep peeing in people's cokes (see my post on "The Wire" which made Lost fans unhappy, etc.) so I thought I'd hold off.

****And Sara, it should be noted, uses the "Fleetwood mac" beat of "Bass snare, buh-bass snare" that you can hear in most of their best songs. Dreams is probably the most obvious example, but there's also Gypsy , Hold Me, and of course Sara. Rhiannon is a special case, because the percussion is a bit more complicated but the bass is still there, doing its thing.

^^^^ My Sis, the GF and I have been on a pretty serious Tim Curry kick lately, even watching Rocky Horror Picture Show (which shocked the hell out of me, btw- one minute they're singing "Damn it Janet" and then suddenly Tim Curry is blowing Brad on camera after having nailed his fiancee.)

Counterpoint: 2007 is the worst year in the history of Music

2007-10-25T09:24:00.000-06:00

Much beloved site OiNK was shut down recently. I can't put it better than this Stereogum commenter:

Yes, it provided a way to get free versions of widely available popular albums, but it also archived and cataloged the last 50 years of music better than any other place on Earth. Many of which are not readily available for purchase anywhere. It was an excellent record of one field of human achievement and now its gone ... How about the Clash's "Vanilla Tapes" that were lost on a subway train 30 years ago? On Oink, but not in stores.

It was the digital music version of the burning of the Library at Alexandria.

They destroyed the greatest historical archive of rock so they could make a couple more bucks off Rhianna's "Umbrella".

10/23/07- Never Forget

More soon...

2007 is the greatest year for music in history

2007-10-01T08:41:00.000-06:00

Right up there with "The reptilian jaw splits creating a rudimentary ear (which then evolves and is naturally selected for to create the ear we know today)" we now have "The year 2007" in the greatest moments in music. The reason for the histrionics, of course, is the new Radiohead announcement today. Radiohead have been semi-secretly working on their album "due out sometime in 2008" and they suddenly announced today that it'll come out in 10 days!!! Yeah, like 10 days from now. You've probably seen this but just take this time to be appreciative. Also, you pay however much you want for it from their website (you could buy it for a dollar or 50 dollars if you want.) It's a double album, too and the songs are amazing including my long-time favorite "nude" (formerly called "(Don't get any) big ideas (they're not gonna happen)" which I've had on a bootleg since 99.)

Think about all the incredible music that's been released in 2007, and feel sory for the critic who is aleady dreading his "10 Best Albums" list at the end of the year.

In approximate order of my liking:
Arcade Fire- Neon Bible
M.I.A.- Kala
The Editors- An End has a Start
Elliott Smith- New Moon
Wilco- Sky Blue Sky*
Andrew Bird- Armchair Apocypha
Spoon- ga ga ga ga ga
The National- The Boxer
Feist- The Reminder
Stars- In our bedroom after the war
The Hives- it hasn't been released yet, but I'm pretty sure about the placement
The Go! Team- Proof of Youth
Rilo Kiley- under the blacklight
The Shins- Wincing the Night Away
The White Stripes- Icky Thump
LCD Soundsystem- Sound of Silver
Voxtrot- Voxtrot
Mark Ronson- Version
Interpol- Our love to admire
Kings of Leon- Because of the Times
Okkervil River- The Stage Names
Modest Mouse- We were Dead before the ship even sank
Bloc Party- Weekend in the city

*It physically pains me to put Wilco this low on the list, that album is incredible.

Whither Europe?

2007-09-28T14:57:00.000-06:00

A Manifesto commenter made me start thinking about something- why is there a Europe? First though, I'd like to link a VERY eye-opening article I just read about weight-loss (that transition almost sounded like a newsbroadcast.) I don't care about weight-loss, so me finding this article interesting says a lot about the article. This article makes an overwhelmingly persuasive case that exercise has no effect on weight loss on the aggregate. It's pretty shocking, but it really seems like they may be right. Read it here.

Okay, so why is there a Europe? Let me preface this first by saying that John and I have traveled somewhat extensively and have plenty of European friends. I mean, we're totally comfortable with it- you can go shopping with them, go to the clubs, whatevah. Your coworkers, your brothers, your mom and dad might be Europeans and just haven't been open about it yet.

Okay that was a tangent and a half for a basically kinda lame joke... Sorry. So why is europe a continent? Let's answer it the simple and obvious way first, which is to say: "they made the maps."

Okay so that's why Europe IS a continent, but why should it be a continent? I urge you to review the map again. Europe is obviously, uncontroversially, just the western part of the Asian continent. The definition of "Continent" is notoriously vague but it's "understood to be large, continuous, discrete masses of land, ideally separated by expanses of water." Which is to say, Europe doesn't count. Have a look at this picture from space and see if you can find a single reason why Europe should be its own continent:

North and South America are technically connected by a thin strip of land (the Darien Gap, a dangerous place me and M. Zee actually braved and loved) and if someone wants to make the case they should be the same, that's fine. Personally I see a pretty simple intuitive difference of land when viewing the landmass so i vote different. But Europe? No way. One rather gets the impression that the Europeans simply wanted to distinguish themselves from those "unwashed hordes" who looked and spoke differently- hence the separation.

I could keep ranting about this for much, much longer but I've decided to cut it short since it was basically just inspired by one commenter. There have been a lot of aaaathatsfiveas regulars (like MC) basically owning off-the-cuff commenters lately on geography-related issues- it's so hot right now.

Linkage:
This is one of the best wiki pages I've ever seen, providing a chronology of inventions that's far more riveting and fascinating that you would think.

Posts I live to write, Part One

2007-09-28T13:32:00.000-06:00

I'm going to go ahead and take this opportunity to talk a bit about HBO's the Wire, the best thing I've ever seen on any screen anywhere any time (movies, television, anything.) When one is in a situation of liking something fairly obscure so damn much, the ways to proceed become difficult. I'm not sure I could overhype the Wire if I tried, but I know that of everyone who's watched the wire on my account, only one hasn't unabashedly loved it and I probably gave him the mistaken impression that the Wire will instantly hook you. (Also, he's a noted contrarian who only seems to appreciate dramas that are whimsical and/or nostalgic.) Watch it with subtitles on at first and commit yourself to the entire first season, as crazy as that sounds.

What I'm about to say is going to sound extreme and over-the-top to most of you and maybe it is. But bracket your scepticism for a moment and consider this: In 1878 a Railroad tycoon hired photographer Eadweard Muybridge to settle a bet on whether a galloping horse ever had all four of its feet off the ground and Muybridge's solution (the zoopraxiscope) sparked the creation of the motion picture. 62 years later Orson Welles was filming Citizen Kane, the movie that finally realized the deep potential of the technology. I'm not some Citizen Kane worshiper by any stretch, but I'm sure it must've felt like a revelation that after decades of light, funny, consciously-"populist" fluff^^^ someone was finally demonstrating new artistic and narrative depths w/r/t cinema. The same year Citizen Kane was released, New York licensed the country's first commercial broadcasting station for television the story of which hardly needs telling, but could also be largely summarized as "consciously-populist fluff." However, on June 2, 2002- 62 years after Citizen Kane was filmed- The Wire was broadcast on HBO to little fanfare.

I'm not comparing the two accomplishments themselves, but I would submit to you that The Wire realizes the potential of television as a political, sociological and artistic medium in much the same way the Citizen Kane did for film. These aren't the kind of things you're supposed to say unless you're speaking about things that are 30 years old but I think it's true. You spend 50+ hours watching this group of people in the Wire (a phenomenon unique to TV), and if anything is the difference that makes the Wire so great, it's that the writer's really "get" that. No character is so "heroic" that they don't have deep flaws. And I don't mean "Ross is a bit arrogant/ Phoebe's kinda spacey" flaws- we're talking excessive use of force, cheating, theft, murder, etc. I feel the deepest sympathy when the "villains" die, but it's not because the show tells me how to feel (you won't hear a single strain of tear-jerking strings trying to cajole you) but because they were so real (so real in fact, that describing anyone but Marlo as a villain feels wrong. Screw Marlo though, seriously.) Alright, enough of that let me make fun of Lost a little bit.

I debated about writing this part, because most of the people I dearly love also love Lost. Some of them got into Lost based on my strong recommendation and I feel really guilty for being all "hey check out this cool thing, oh you like it? Okay now it sucks" about it. However, I'm just not the same television viewer that I was back then. I was hooked on Lost for awhile and I remember being impressed with how intelligent it was ("oooh they name characters after philosophers how totally fucking deep!") for a TV show. It's embarrassing to have to even type that out now because Lost is not an intelligent show and it's not even a very original show (Twin Peaks meets Gilligan's island!) It's simply figured out that by promising a resolution that it can never provide it can maintain some viewership faithful for the payoff (which- trust me- will be deeply unsatisfying at best.) Further, by shifting the new focal points of each different season like a debtor transferring credit card balances they can make you forget that, when all's said and done, they owe you a shitload of money and they aren't paying it down. That's not really it though; there's something more.

Lost, along with every other piece of non-HBO drama I've seen since getting hooked on the Wire feels deeply, deeply manipulative. Leah and I were excited to get back to watching Lost after a Wire-driven hiatus (and the overwhelming-sounding fact that 4 complete seasons of the Wire are already out there will soon feel like a god-damn Christmas present, btw) and our reaction was so immediate that it was unmistakable what had happened. The camera had panned-in on Jack's face while he said some calculatedly dramatic thing as booming over-the-top strings repeated an ominous low G to make you feel the exact sense of foreboding and dread before the cut to commercial. It felt so hammy and self-satirical that Leah and I both wanted to laugh and yet we looked around the room at our rapt friends, reflexively watching a jeep commercial (not a coincidence, obvs) with mouths agape, and marveled at how big the gap had become; we were not the same TV-watchers who had raved about lost 3 months before.

At this point I could play it off self-deprecatingly and wax nostalgic about my new inability to appreciate some former entertainment, but the truth is it felt good and refreshing to recognize the naked manipulation of Lost. We've since tried three+ times to watch season 3 and we haven't even come close; it feels like someone explaining why a joke's funny (and if this piece does too, then I'm sorry but I'm only trying to tell my story.)

Bill "The Sports Guy" Simmons has a great article about the Wire (and he mentions it frequently) that's worth quoting at length:

We ended up banging out three episodes the first night and another three the second night. Then our cable system switched to a new provider ... and all the Season 1 episodes disappeared into thin air. Now we were scrambling. None of the video stores around us had Season 1 in stock. I ended up ordering Season 1 online (two-day delivery courtesy of Amazon Prime), but we were so hooked on the show that when someone returned Season 1 to our video store, we rented the last three discs that same night. We banged out the last seven episodes in two nights before the DVD was even delivered.

That so closely resembles my own experience that it's funny- I remember waking up at 5:00 am to watch 2 episodes before I had to go to work on more than one occasion. He goes on "I'd put Season 1 of "The Wire" against anything." (which I'd amend only to include all of the Wire with season 4 being the best... so far) and " Anyway, I can't believe I didn't watch this show sooner. It enrages me." which I complete relate to.

The Wire Season 4 is a true masterpiece, in which they follow the rise of a new drug lord along with 4 urban youths being tempted to drop out and fully commit to that world. Metacritic (basically the same as Rottentomatoes, good for non-movie things like shows books, etc.) has The Wire season 4 listed at 98/100 based on all of the collected reviews- the highest rated TV show there is, period. Reviews like " This is TV as great modern literature, a shattering and heartbreaking urban epic" don't seem at all over the top, nor do the surprisingly frequent comparisons to Dickens. Slate says ""no other program has ever done anything remotely like what this one does, namely to portray the social, political, and economic life of an American city with the scope, observational precision, and moral vision of great literature."

Part of what makes the show so great is that it's written by an ex-cop-turned-teacher and an ex-journalist for the Baltimore Sun. Their Baltimore is a strikingly realistic one as a result, and versatile enough to make any point it needs to make without being overt. The Wire is highly political, but they aren't lazy about it by making one character verbosely political and speaking for the writers (in fact, the most articulate political points that are spoken- Carcetti S3E12- support the very opposite view of the creators.)

Interviews with the creator David Simon (the ex-journalist) have become one of my new favorite things to look for on the web. Like other true geniuses (Noam Chomsky and DFW among them) every interview feels brilliant and free flowing as if you could ask any question and the answer would be just as strikingly insightful. The connections to Chomsky don't stop there- Simon constantly describes the show as being about the powerlessness of the individual in the face of the gigantic institutions. Chomsky describes much of what he does as "Institutional Analysis", deemphasizing the role of individuals in the face of pressures monetary, political, social, and so on. When Season 5 (the final Season of The Wire and "The one about the media") gets started in January, I won't be surprised at all if it plays like Manufacturing Consent. Incidentally, I have it on good Authority that Chomsky is a Law and Order fan (no kidding) from way back and "never misses an episode." Based simply on that I know that The Wire is therefore his favorite show in history and that he now hates that he ever even watched Law and Order once.

I'll close with some more Bill Simmons (remember he's "the sports guy") who breaks character to end a column with a rumination on Season 4. After saying that "I agree with others who argue that it's the most important television show of all-time", he ends his piece with these words which are again worth quoting at length:

"Two weeks ago in this space, I explained how I'm one of those people who doesn't like when other people tell me, "YOU HAVE TO WATCH THIS SHOW!" If anything, that makes me not want to watch it. I like to stumble across these things organically.

Now I'm wondering if I avoided "The Wire" because its central themes -- drugs, corruption, urban decay -- were realities that I simply wanted to ignore. Instead of being haunted by a show like this, it was easier and safer to skip it entirely. Most people feel this way, I'm guessing; it's the only conceivable reason why five times as many people would watch "The Sopranos" over a show that's better in every way****. See, when most Americans dabble in inner-city TV shows or movies for our "taste" of street life, we're hoping for the Hollywood version. We don't want despair and decay, we want hope and triumph. We don't want the zero sum game of drug dealers killing each other, we want the Rock coaching juvie kids and turning their lives around in two hours. We want them to win the big football game, we want the movie to end, and we don't want to think about these people ever again.

That's the real reason why "Gridiron Gang" became the No. 1 movie last weekend, and that's the real reason why "The Wire" was barely renewed for a fifth season."

Why did I wait so long to watch the Wire? My Dad has been into it forever and telling me I needed to watch it, and I'd read the otherworldly praise it's received since the beginning, but it still took me forever. Maybe because it seemed like a project and projects are easy to put off. Maybe (and let's be honest here) because it wasn't marketed to me, advertised to me, or reported about to me (no glossy magazines targeting my demographic were running cover stories, though inevitably some smart hip guy on the staff loved it and threw in blurbs wherever he could, seriously.)

I've had this post ready for a long time, and I've hesitated to post it because I couldn't think of a way to end it. In my head I thought I wanted to talk about the difference between your unique self versus your "Middle class American age 24-36" demographic market self- the self who discovers and treasures a song or an album from unlikely sources versus the self who goes out and purchases the Garden State or The OC soundtracks and moves on. That made the Wire sound like it had obscurantist tendencies, which it doesn't. There's nothing all that difficult about the show (while it extremely, immeasurably intelligent it doesn't even have to be watched on that level to be appreciated) apart from learning the characters at first. That's why I decided to quote the sports guy at length; it's an important show- a show on which drugs have been realistically legalized for a spell, the decline of working man has been rendered literally and metaphorically- but it's also a viscerally exciting; edge of your seat entertainment.

Let me instead end with a horrible marketing tagline, which may be all you need at this point to start watching it: Maggie Gyllenhaal says:

"Make a The Wire transfer and watch your "interest" compound hourly!!!"

^^^ Of course this is an oversimplification; this is just a rhetorical device. Congratulations on having seen La Règle du jeu.
****If you've read Simmons in the past, you'll know that he absolutely loves Sopranos and wrote about it frequently, which makes this line even more heartfelt.

Don't watch this video below under any circumstances unless you've seen the Wire multiple times. There are several reasons for this, not the least of which being that you could be two minutes closer to the video store by the time you were finished. Obviously the video store trip's aim would be acquiring the first 4 discs of the Wire season 1.

ROTFL

2007-08-27T22:22:00.000-06:00

I may be the last person to see this as apparently it's been getting some heavy media coverage.. but just in case I wanted to make sure you all get in on the action.

We're not dead: megapost

2007-08-17T23:01:00.000-06:00

Guys, thanks for being patient. I started a new job as an executive recruiter and have spent a lot of time going in early and staying late trying to learn the business. Those who know me probably know that I can't stand not to have a reasonable depth of knowledge for things and accordingly I always work my ass off for months trying to learn everything there is to know about a job. So, I think I'll need to spend some weekend nights blogging, because I have a whole page or two of blog topics (including "fallacies", "circumcision", "sam harris pt. 3", "Chomsky", "Liberalism vs. Anarchism vs. Patton vs. Achohol", "federer", and "On nakedness, sex, vaginas and other keywords that make a blog post immediately fascinating even though everyone might like to pretend otherwise")

Without further ado, let's pretend you forgot about this blog for the last month and are catching up on everything you've missed:

The creepiest Myspace page of all time, hands down, noone else even comes close. Kajina Ray This is a page dedicated to a miscarried baby discussing heaven and "loving their mommy and daddy." Yes it's true that despite lines that should be sad like "I'm dancing and playing with the angels in heaven" it winds up 100% grade a fucking creepy. And that's because there are fucking pictures of the miscarried fetus dressed up in baby clothes in the "pics" section. You have been warned but holy shit.

From a list of things that high-level executives, salesmen and bosses around the world say that are (the things they say) philosophically unsound, compiled by me:

"Perception is reality." This is extremely common and is just absolute drivel. I first year philosophy student should be able to decimate this canard, so why do supposedly intelligent people use it? I think it's appealingly geared toward business-style nihilism with a marketing bent, or something. You know "if we can make you think it then it's true." But it's just nonsense- put a pencil into the water and have a look:

Is it actually bent simply because you perceive it as bent? Okay, then please shut the fuck up.

From a list of things that high-level executives, salesmen and bosses around the world say that are (the things they say) philosophically sound, compiled by me:

"It is what it is." This is a highly defensible statement, known as a tautology or truism. David Hume called these "Analytic A Priori Truths" which is to say things that could never not be true, and don't need to be verified by experiment, experience, etc. I actually like using this, as a sort of less pretentious "c'est la vie" that says "well what are can you do? (nothing.)"

Words/phrases that don't mean what you think they mean, including one I just used incorrectly above (only so I could educate you.)
1. Decimate: means to kill or remove every tenth thing. Does not mean to "utterly destroy" as is commonly thought and said.
2. Penultimate: means "second to last" not just a fancier word for "ultimate."
3. Irregardless: No, this is not a fucking word. DO NOT use it. If other people do, feel free to laugh derisively.
4. "As best as you can." It chills my bones when people say that, though it's somewhat rare. Obviously the correct form is "as best you can."
5. "I could care less" This is an almost meaningless thing to say: "I care about this thing to some degree." (rough translation. PS I'm guilty of this one at times, gulp.)

A homemade youtube video for Daft Punk's "Harder Better Faster Stronger" that is amazing. Leah who does not like Daft Punk loved this, and based on that I would simply recommend that everyone watch this. The fact that it's almost retardedly uneventful for the first minute makes the top-notch last 3 minutes THAT MUCH awesomer. (sorry for the dumb/offensive slang in this post.)

Zach Galifianakis being Zach Galiafinakis on Kanye's West's new video for "Can't tell me nuthin'" This is an official video (you can find a high quality version on Kanye's site) which makes me impressed with Mr. West:

You'll almost be disappointed with yourself for finding this video so goddamn funny, but for some reason it is. "Yeah har har har yellow ledbetter is hard to understand, har har", and yet it's got a certain je ne sais quoi that makes it both appealing and funny. This song still rules by the way- proving the theory I'll later develop in a blog post that the mark of a great band at the top it's game is a great B-side. Pearl Jam- Yellow Ledbetter.

If wrestling was still like this I would watch it for sure. This is a fued between the big boss- WAIT! Don't stop reading! This passed the Leah test too and it's incredible how over the top it is! One guy "The Big Boss Man" makes fun of the other guy's dad dying (imitating him whining "my daddy, my daddy!") so the other guy stands in the middle of the wrestling ring and says (I shit you not) "How would you feel if a family heirloom; a watch from your grandfather was taken from you and destroyed?" As he smashes a gold watch over an anvil (apparently taken from a road runner cartoon, the only place in which anvils have ever existed.) But here's the thing: that happens about 20 seconds when they're just getting started. You haven't seen the attempted assassinations, the grave theft, the bullhorn-featuring funeral interruption (with poetry) etc. In fact, they don't even show you the wrestling match in this clip, because who the hell cares?

Wikipedia is making me sad. It's so obvious that this would've happened that I'm shocked I never considered it, but the site is basically over-run with corporate spin control. I love this site, but it's hard to see how they can control this while staying true to the truly inspiring wikipedia mission. To explain: when the GAP wants to paint over their nasty sweatshop history, they can hire people to effectively sabotage the wiki page by continue to delete and remove and move and alter the GAP page, defending the decision on the Talk pages and so on. Given how great a benefit that is to GAP, and how they're only up against a few volunteers who don't have time to argue everything one can see how the truth can be twisted, shaped, and manipulated according to those how have an interest and the money to try and affect things. What happened is, someone has used a directory of IP addresses and cross-checked them against edits in the wikipedia pages and found some scary and serious patterns of malfeasance. This project is just getting started but is already way-beyond disturbing. The wikipedia staff is implicated in some of it too... It's up at Wired (though to wikipedia's credit, it's nice that they are transparent enough for a project like this to be possible.) Nevertheless, Matt=Sad.

Thanks for reading, and please never give up on us. I promise that we have much, much more to say.

Proof that reincarnation is real

2007-07-21T19:21:00.000-06:00

Hit and Run

2007-07-12T14:05:00.000-06:00

Seriously impressive mental resilience on behalf of the troops- it's taken them 4 years plus of horrifying conditions and daily mutual terror to develop the same levels of callousness and disregard for human life that guys like O'Reilly and those in the Bush administration has had all along. "A dead Iraqi is just another dead Iraqi... You know, so what?"

My neighbor has heroically bad taste in music; heroically bad. A few weeks back he held a very loud all night coke party for Widespread Panic (i.e. Phish for republicans) and had a friend over who thought it just hilarious to yell down from the balcony to people passing by that they were "faggots" (this was at 8 a.m. on the saturday after the first "Panic" show- they were pulling an all-nighter and a half.) A few days later I'm at the computer and he's listening to a 12 minute live version of "Runaround" (complete with several extended harmonica jams) from a Blues Traveler bootleg. Bad so far, but not "blog post bad." But what's he listening to right now, as I type this? A live version of Will Smith's "Gettin Jiggy wit it." I could not make that up if I tried. The questions are too numerous to really even scratch the surface: Will Smith has played a live show? Somebody bootlegged it? Somebody owns and listens to said bootleg in two thousand and seven?

Seriously, it's like:

or something.

This is the most bizarre news story you may ever read, and there's no right tone to take when discussing it (though this guy didn't seem to care.) I will say this though- if someone else is around make sure both your hands are on the keyboard.

The Onion and Justin Timberlake

2007-07-01T20:28:00.000-06:00

I don't link the Onion here because everyone who reads this checks it already (I know our audience has grown substantially as of late, but I'm still pretty confident in that assessment.) Suffice it to say, if you haven't checked it yet- this issue is on of the best I've seen in awhile. Anyway, I'm going to talk about the Onion "AV club" today, which is different. "Why", you ask? Because I used to never check it (and I probably still wouldn't have if I didn't get the issues in print) and it's awesome, and I was reading it today and saw something funny.

The lead singer of Bloc Party, Kele Okereke (whom I like) is commenting on the tracks that randomly come up on his Ipod when it's set to shuffle. For those unfamiliar- this is a monthly feature for the AV club and it's usually less cool than it sounds but I always check it anyway. So a song by Prince comes up and Kele starts talking about how nobody can do what Prince does and he says "certainly not Justin Timberlake" and then laughs. So what comes up on his Ipod next (remember it's on shuffle)? None other than JT himself performing sexyback.

The easy way to spin this is "People are embarrassed to like JT because it's not cool, but we all secretly listen to him non stop." Who knows whether that's true, but if it is it shouldn't be. And I'm not saying this in one of "c'mon bro-dude just like what you like who cares what people think?" bullshit things people do when they want to make a big deal out how independent they are and how little they care about what other people think (catch them listening to the Bravery though and see how they are). Newsflash: people who don't really care also don't care that you know that and so don't make a big deal out of it. No, it's because it's actually cool to like Timberlake; really cool even. Check this link if you don't believe me (the tastemaker website gave him 5/5). So what's going on?

First let's establish a few things. One, Justin Timberlake is not a good-looking dude, naturally. Feel free to scroll up for the corn-rows again, too.

However, Justin Timberlake can be done up to look pretty damn good (just sayin'.)

I just wanted to put those there to make sure people were still reading. But so Justin Timberlake has taken on this strange cultural cachet in which liking him is the ultimate "I don't care what people think" statement. It's so ultimate, in fact, that it's become actually cool to say you like the guy and vice versa. Talk to a hipster (hell talk to the guy above who said "Bro-dude") and just say you don't like JT and it'll go like this:

Me: Yeah, apart from one song I'm not really a fan of Justin Timberlake.

P4KR (eyes lighting up as he realizes it's his big opportunity to show just how much he doesn't care about other people think of him and his taste in music): Dude-bro, it's just good music you know? Good pop music right? I mean sure I know it's not "cool" to like him, but that's not what...

ugh.

Notice: Cliff's notes of this post.
Read this sentence and if you understand it (and good luck), then you've got 81% of this post. I'm saying that JT is Music you don't like but you also know that everyone else thinks that it's actually music you like but that you only say you hate because you think you're supposed to think it's horrible. Which winds up meaning it's music you're supposed to (say you) like.

Now there are guys who genuinely, truly like Timberlake, and I'm totally cool with them. In fact they should be pissed too because their actual appreciation is getting hijacked. If you're one of those people, scroll up and click the hyperlink for "apart from one song" (i.e. denoting the song of his that I really like) because it's the remix of "What goes around" featuring Rick Ross and Pitbull and it's badass. I couldn't find it on a single CD, either!

By the way, I realize I'm probably giving him way too much credit by referring to these songs as "Justin Timberlake's songs" when in reality they're probably "Timbaland's songs that Justin Timberlake contributed one line to so he could squeak out a co-writing credit." I do this by convention only- one reason why Timberlake isn't the next Prince is that Prince was a great songwriter on top of everything else. We can't say that about JT.

So...
At this point there're two different meanings of "I like Justin Timberlake", only one of which refers to the actual aesthetic appreciation of Timberlake's 85% shitty music. The other one -as far as i can tell- refers to this new method of publicly declaring how you aren't affected by hip-culture telling you what you should or shouldn't like (the irony is so obvious it's barely worth mentioning.) It's enough to make your goddamn head spin.

Anyway, as someone who realizes that if there was ever a time in our cultural milieu to like Justin Timberlake without shame it's now: Justin Timberlake sucks.

Pass it on

2007-06-20T08:17:00.000-06:00

Any Blog worth its salt has recurring features; we all know this. In the coming days we'll introduce at least two and it's a safe bet that at least one of them will actually wind up being a recurring feature. This one's called "Pass it on."

Katherine Heigl, 29, used her real vagina for the birthing scenes in Knocked Up, stating "I'm the type of person who does my own stunts. I think this sends a message to people that birthing is not something to be ashamed of." Judd Apatow's film, which debuted at #1, has been criticized for its shocking depiction of a realistic birth. However, Malosi Leonard the stunt coordinator for the film disagrees, saying "Katherine's brave decision to insert a watermelon-sized fake baby head into her vagina and then push it out on camera is a tribute to mothers across the globe." (Quarterly Might, July 2007 Interview)

Hmmm... I didn't hear the press raving when Tom Cruise (who always does his own stunts) used his real vagina for the Gatling gun scene in "The Last Samurai" but I guess that's a typical double standard. Rim shot.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

2007-06-18T22:50:00.000-06:00

Top bad puns for a hair salon I will never start, thought of today (with some serious assistance):

Bloods and Clips
Perms of En-shear-ment
Total E-clips of the Part (online salon)
Raising Hairizona
Kiddie Shorn (kidz cuts!)
The Brother's Trimme Hairy Tales (doubles as gonzo niche porn title)
Trim and Crop-her
His Curl Friday
Bosnia-Hairzegovina
'Fro Momma from the Mane
Last Tangle in Hair-is
Thou Shalt not Commit Adulthairy
The face that launched 1,000 clips
Take me down to the Hairadise city where the 'stache is clean and the curls are pretty

I hope they all make you groan. I'll probably think of 5 worse ones tomorrow morning and edit this. Perhaps some suggestions as well...

In other news:

Pentagon confirms it sought to build a "gay bomb" (real.)

Small funny Gif of Conan dancing like a maniac with Andrew WK.

Chomsky to Dennett: suck it. (this isn't hard-core tech reading, but you might want to know something about science history or the philosophy of the mind before jumping in.)

How to get an iPhone for $99 without getting friend referrals or signing up for 2,123 offers.

2007-06-18T08:44:00.000-06:00

At the end of this post I will explain to you how you can save $300-$400 on an iPhone. If that's all you care about, start scrolling.

I want an effing iPhone so badly that I have become completely irrational about it. I am emotionally committed to a gadget I have never seen in person. I don't know anybody that has seen it, and chances are it will barely even function where I live. (no AT&T in Montana)

$599 for the 8GB model doesn't even make me flinch. I typically have buyer's remorse after any purchase over $40 (even dinner) and I am ready to shell out $600 for a product that I really don't know anything about at this point. (other than what the almighty Steve Jobs has told us)

Financial analysts seem to think I'm not alone. Equity research analyst Mike McCormack has estimated that nearly 1 million customers will leave their cellular provider in order to get an iPhone with AT&T wireless (the wireless company formerly known as Cingular). Research and investment firm PiperJaffray has predicted iPhone's yearly sales to grow into a 45 million unit per year business by 2009. And in their 13th biannual study of teen shopping behavior and brand preferences, PiperJaffray found that 84 percent of the students surveyed had heard of Apple's iPhone and 25 percent said they would pay $500 for the iPhone.

So what is so great about the iPhone? Who cares. It's an iPhone, it's made by Apple. It has really cool marketing and they are releasing it at 6pm (local time) on a Friday night so you can show up at your favorite watering hole with your semi-charged iPhone.

Seriously though... the lack of GPS or 3G doesn't bother me. The iPhone could run on diesel fuel and I wouldn't hesitate. Whatever Apple decided is fine with me. After all, I have been listening to Steve Jobs since I was a kid. Everything he has told me to buy has made me happy and cool. (and my friends jealous- at least until they bought their own)

Some of you may remember that the other contributor to this blog is not an apple user. Yes, he says he's a "PC guy". Well, except for his iPod he's a PC guy. Earlier this year Apple dropped "computer" from its name. Apple is a consumer electronics company and most "PC guys" and girls I know are "Apple" users in one way or another. (ipod, itunes, or an apple computer)

Matt is probably calling himself a PC guy because he is smart And it turns out the most famous PC Guy is extremely smart. (and not-surprisingly a "mac guy") In fact, the "PC Guy" kinda sorta has ties to the name of our blog. (in a round-about kinda sorta way) He is a contributor to McSweeneys.net.

Anyway, smart guys like Matt are not going to line up on June 29th to buy an iPhone. They don't make emotional commitments to buy things without ever reading a review or trying one out first. However, guys like me... well, we do. And like anything, there is a smart way to do it, and a not so smart way.

I am going to keep you all updated on my iPhone purchase from now until I have used the product for a few months (and reviewed it on this blog). I know you are thinking there is nothing to report right now, as I can't purchase one until June 29th.... however, the process has already begun. There are several obstacles I must overcome to get an iPhone, and I'm going to tell explain to you how I do it.

Obstacle #1: I live in BFE and AT&T does not provide service here

Because Montana does not have AT&T service, I am living in the state that Apple forgot. Montana is CDMA territory and Verizon has a pretty good hold on the cellular business around these parts. Fortunately, there is a company that is changing all of that. Chinook Wireless has been building a GSM network that will allow AT&T customers to roam in Montana. (or Montanan's to buy Chinook Wireless service- without the iPhone)

So if I can get AT&T service using an out-of-state address I can roam in Montana. Unfortunately the AT&T coverage map shows that while they have roaming coverage in Montana, the "EDGE" network (high speed network) does not work in Montana. I can only hope this is not true as I know Chinook's GSM network is an EDGE network, although it may be that AT&T customers don't have access to the EDGE capabilities while roaming.

Obstacle #2 - Out of state phone number

With an out-of-state address listed as my primary use location, I will be stuck with an out-of-state phone number. This wouldn't matter except that my place of employment would probably question my logic. They pay for my cell phone, and I highly doubt they would want to pay for me to have a long distance phone number. (and business cards printed up with a California number)

This is where VOIP comes in. I can port my current local # to Vonage and then set up Vonage to forward all calls to my new California #. I have to sign up for Vonage service (at $25/month) and then forwarding and long distance is free. That way my clients/friends/etc. can call my current local Verizon # and they will actually be calling my future AT&T California #.

Obstacle #3 - No contract/upgrade discount on the iPhone (how to save hundreds of $$$)

$599 with a 2 year service agreement. You know how when you sign up for a 2 year contract you typically get a huge discount on your phone? Yeah, well not with the iPhone. AT&T is selling it at full retail price, so that 2 year contract gets you nothing. Customers who qualify for an upgrade and customers who don't will all pay the same exact price.

So if you are planning on purchasing an iPhone, and you either qualify for an AT&T upgrade or you will be a new AT&T customer, you must take advantage of their discounts. Most of their phones are offered at significant discounts with a 2 year contract, and this can be transferred to the iPhone.

All you do is purchase a phone, like the Blackberry Curve ($99 with a new contract through Amazon) and sell it on Ebay "new in box". You can then apply your $300-$400 profit towards the iPhone. So if you profit $400, and you buy the $499 iPhone... that's an iPhone for the low price of $99!

I ordered my Curve and new AT&T service yesterday and I expect it to arrive on Wednesday. I'll keep you posted on how things go and what my final cost is for my 8GB iPhone.

Bad Credit? I know why...

2007-06-07T09:45:00.000-06:00

There are many rites of passage for a given generation some common to all (like having a photo taken of you as kid where it looks like you're drinking a beer) and some which are more specific (trekking across the dust bowl so pa can find honest work.) Our generation had a significant one, and one that nobody brings up- even though it explains everything. What is this magic commonality?

I'm talking about ripping off Columbia House and/or BMG. You fill out the little 12 CDs for a dollar card, you send it in, get your 12 CDs and then ignore everything else you ever get from them. Based on an informal survey I recently conducted, 100% of people in the US between 20-30 have done this. 98% have done it more than once and 45% have used a fake name to do it a second or third time. I mean, how could you not? 12 Cds for 1 cent? Add that to the fact that you've got a nice little checklist that's demographically targeted to you (based on the magazine you found it in) and all you have to do is check the box and drop it in the mail. I remember filling out those checklists for fun sometimes- it was like rehearsing your fully paid shopping spree.

Well first let's acknowledge that however BMG and Columbia House thought they were going to make money, they had the stupidest business model outside of rent-a-sex-toy. Let's set aside for a minute the millions that BMG has been losing and focus on what in the hell they could've been thinking. Can you imagine walking into a furniture store and having the guy go "well you can have 12 free pieces of furniture- go ahead and pick them out and you can take them home today. BUT I gotta tell you that we're going keep shipping random furniture items to your house, and it's up to you to send them back. Eventually we're going to ask that you pay for one of the items." It'd be amazing! You pick out all 12 items and you're about to leave but suddenly the guy stops you and says "Woah woah wait a sec. We can't just let you walk out of here- do you think we're stupid? We're going to need you to write your name down on this here piece of paper. No no, don't worry we don't need to check ID. But we're gonna need that name. And WRITTEN."

That's Columbia House/BMG's (they are the same company now actually) entire business model. Of all of the people who got the CDs, didn't send back the CDs they got in the mail every month, and never paid a single dime (i.e. 100% of the 100% of the people I talked to) nothing ever happened to them*. I don't even remember a threatening letter!

Between you, me, and everyone reading this we probably owe Columbia House and BMG $100,000. Don't worry though, I won't tell. Do you feel like you got away with something though? Don't be so sure. I think a good case can be made that our formative experiences with Columbia House/BMG has had a lasting effect on our collective generational psyches, as follows:

Our generation has bad credit. What else would you expect from a generation who's first experience in Corporate credit (because that's what it was, if you think about it) was a company that just handed out your favorite stuff, kept sending you other stuff it thought you'd like and never asked for anything in return? Is it any wonder that we think that ignoring credit card bills will just make them go away?
Our generation has a music downloading addiction. At a young age we were conditioned to just expect that we could get our favorite CDs for free (or more accurately 1/12th of one cent.) Is it a big mystery that we've created large peer-based networks to ensure we keep getting free music?
Our generation has a deep ambivalence toward corporations. On the one hand they seemed to give you free stuff, but on the other hand there was still an aftertaste of opportunistic evil. Why was it so easy to throw the Columbia House letters in the trash? Why was it so easy to sign up with BMG after you'd already ripped off Columbia House? Thinking back, I remember kind of disliking the companies because they seemed to be trying to trick you- why else would they send you a CD you didn't ask for and ask you to pay for it? That's not a good excuse I know, but it's true.

I have a request for the comments. After you picked your 12 CDs you'd always get a few "CDs of the month" and I know you didn't send them back. You kept them in the packaging for 2 months, anxiously feeling guilty that you let the 1 month return deadline pass but eventually going "well screw it, I guess I have no choice." Because you were young enough that every CD seemed at least a little intriguing, you listened to it once, at least partially. What was it/ What were they? I'll go first (in the comments.) If anybody else got the same one as you, I highly recommend using the hi-five emoticon (the only tolerable emoticon, really) as follows:

Commenter Leah: Ropin' the Wind
Commenter Morgen: Ropin the Wind too! o/
Leah: \o

Hey speaking of free stuff. I've got a little reward for your people who check this blog frequently (because this link won't be up forever) and who've continued to check it, despite a little dry spell (it's hard to follow up a post as long-in-the-making and popular as Wet Wipe Manifesto was.) Since you've made it this far, you can download the new Al Gore book "The Assault on Reason" for free here (pt 1) and here (pt 2).

And for those who don't like Al Gore (hey, that's understandable I think) here's a leaked Kanye West track from his forthcoming album graduation that samples Daft Punk's "Harder Better Faster Stronger" (which makes it awesome.)

Kanye West- Stronger

*And I mean nothing- they have all led blessed, problem free lives thanks to the divine guardianship of the BMG rip-off angel. Okay, no.

long time coming

2007-05-24T11:20:00.000-06:00

John and I have wanted to do this for a while, but with all of the positive responses we've gotten on the wet-wipe post we're going to go through with it and start a wet-wipe blog. There are all of these tests we'd like to do as well as demonstrations (on models of course*). We'd like to ask a doctor to talk about using it for the vagina and do a serious cost-benefit analysis (though in my opinion when the benefit is "having less human excrement on your body" the cost isn't as big a factor.) Rather than turn aaaathatsfiveas into a blog dominated by wet-wipe posts we'd rather just do both I think. We already do backpacking, Affirmative action/Poker, Bush, atheism, sports, guys grinding on ottomans, Inventing new words, Withdrawal from Iraq, abortion, 9/11 conspiracy theories, religion, and crazy ladies talking about oven-like Penulses (penises- tip to Erin) so adding a bunch of wet wipes posts might be pushing it. Check it out if you like- if anything it'll be educational for us.

wetwiperevolution.blogspot.com

*and by models I don't mean supposedly attractive men and women, because that wouldn't make it any more hot. I mean like mannequins and stuff.

Existentially Loathesome

2007-05-24T09:05:00.000-06:00

For all of the fellow David Foster Wallace fans in the house, I stumbled upon this little youtube video of the "Tourism rant" from Consider the Lobster. I'm not going to pretend that the video is groundbreaking, but DFW's stuff is so dense that taking any 2 minute segment and REALLY listening to it is always a good idea. If I remember correctly, this bit was actually from a footnote (which is like a Radiohead B-side or something; often better than the "main" stuff.) It will probably be especially meaningful for fellow travelers, who often have to consider this sort of odd-tension. It should be stressed here that Wallace is talking about intra-national tourism, though.

Today is a change for the better, I wrote you a letter, I'm gonna buy you a sweater

2007-05-22T15:58:00.000-06:00

That's how I felt when I went to the Oink page for the first time and had to face facts: I wasn't getting in any time soon. It's rare in our country to find things aren't simply reducible to money and so bumping up against against something that you really want and can't just buy is a uniquely frustrating experience for an American. Like, "Oh a tight-knit collection of music aficionados trading vinyl rips, comedy bootlegs, and 2-minutes-ago leaks? I should be able to buy my way into that." You can't though, and well somehow (exactly how they do it is a matter of contention) they prevent the invites from being sold on ebay or anywhere else. It makes sense too- if they sold them the community would rapidly deteriorate for reasons too complicated to get into now.

Continuing with our theme of "Random awesome content to keep you reading and hopefully sending this to your friends" here's a very amusing short collection of the 6 worst movie scenes ever.

Okay, so what the hell am I talking about? If you didn't already gather from the faux-quote above it's the best music site that's probably ever existed on the internet. You can get any album you can think of with CD quality (or mp3- they have both and more) within a few minutes for free. Bought the new Wilco record on disc, but want to hear it on Vinyl (since Jeff Tweedy says it's better that way)? Just downloaded a lossless vinyl rip. Mitch Hedberg only has two commercial releases and on the second one he sounds like he smoked crack beforehand, so you've been dying for a late-era bootleg? Oink has like 10 of em with jokes I've never heard (Is that an x? I said "no that's an I crossed out because it was too slanted.") Audiobooks? Check. Software programs with custom-coded installation packages so you don't even have to bother with Serialz? Check. Looking like you're bragging when you're really just trying to convey your excitement over finally having scored an invite? Priceless.

This is a 2-d drawing on a sidewalk designed to look 3d- it's called an "anamorphic drawing." This shit is amazing.

When I first heard about it I was intrigued but not obsessed. It's like gmail in that when you hear about it it seems cool but nothing you'll knock down doors to get (of course Gmail's invite only thing was- by their own admission- just a marketing gimmick and they were happy to watch the invites sell on ebay) but once you're on the other side it's like... how did I ever? I found out there was no way I was getting an invite (you just have to know someone, period) and that was that. But I kept running across it: a yahoo! answers that seemed more about sharing in the sadness than getting an invite, a guy's rather neglected blog that suddenly gets overrun with commenters when he reveals he got invited, the leaks coming from Oink, etc.

This is that same drawing from above when not taken at the perfect angle.

Alright, I know that if I keep going with this post I'm going to look like a dick to the 5 people I know who would love Oink (the rest are probably no longer reading.) Here's the good news: In a little while I'll have some invites and the people I know who would actually use them will be invited (and that little while may be months, but if you followed the links in that last paragraph you'll know that that's no time at all) and for now if there's a super-rare hard to find to CD that you want- say the word.

Oh and one more thing, expect some more "you heard it here first" shit like this the new Go! Team and Kanye West singles respectively.

go team!- Grip like a vice

kanye west- can't tell me nuthin'

PS- If anybody can understand the riddle that is the title of this blog post (google all you want) you actually get a real prize worth about 10 bucks. If you know the answer you could probably guess what the prize is. Email me or leave a comment.

A Wet-Wipe Manifesto

2007-05-16T10:34:00.000-06:00

Imagine visiting a friends home for dinner and afterwards you offer to help with the dishes. You friend welcomes your help and tosses you a roll of paper towels. They explain that they don't use water or soap to clean their dishes and utensils, they simply wipe them down with a dry paper towel and put them back in the cupboard.

"What about bacteria that surely grows on the food remnants? What about germs that undoubtedly remain after a simple 'dry rub'?"

"Wow, I get nearly the same shine with none of those nasty soap spots!"

Your friend explains that they have decided washing dishes is gross. They don't want to get their hands all wet and they'd rather just use dry paper towels to rub them down. Their kitchen smells disgusting, but at least the plates are out of sight in the cupboard, prior to use.

Disgusted, you vow to never eat at their home again. In fact, you decide you would rather avoid their home all together as surely this disgusting practice is evidence of a total disregard for cleanliness, and probably even personal hygiene.

Imagine what they do with their ass?! Do they simply wipe it down in a "dry rub" fashion after using the toilet? You can't imagine; the thought of such a practice is frightening. Imagine a world where people clean their feces covered bung holes with nothing but a dry rub from some paper.

Welcome to America.

Europeans have been using bidets to clean themselves for nearly 300 years. They evidently thought that spending the day with feces attached to their anus was gross, and they preferred to wash it off. (seems simple enough)

"OMG you guys, Europe was SOOOO amazing. In the bathrooms they have these water-fountains that double as beer coolers, so you don't have to use the tub!"

America evidently missed the memo on cleanliness. Most have never even seen a bidet. And while they were preoccupied visiting dentists and inventing cocaine (watch the Washington video), the Europeans were revolutionizing the art of wiping.

So what do you do now? How can you help save America? What if I was to tell you that the solution is not in buying an expensive bidet, but found at your local supermarket?

Yes, Baby wipes. No longer will babies be the sole members of the clean bum club. Why are they called baby wipes anyway? Who decided that with age your desire to have a clean ass goes away?

"It's all fun and games until someone thinks that dabbing these kids with a dry towel makes them clean."

Having presented this argument on more than a few occasions, we found that there were a few key responses that people would use, which we'll cover in our FAQ, below.

FAQ:
Q: I don't eat off my ass and neither does anyone else, so i think your dish analogy is stupid. What else you got?

A: I highly recommend looking into what an analogy is ("Obama isn't like Rex Grossman! Rex is way younger!") But mainly what I'd like to ask is: do you even wipe at all right now? Why? By your logic the whole idea behind cleaning the area AT ALL is silly. So if we're gonna do it, why not get clean?

Q: I feel like I'm already pretty clean/clean enough down there, so why bother using anything but the dry rub?

A: If you slipped and fell in crap and all you had was a McDonald's napkin to clean off your bare elbow (for instance) would you shrug your shoulders and go "clean enough" or would you be dying to get home and wash with water? Even your dirty dog knows that cleaning that area and using moisture is imperative, and while I think we both would object to his methods we as humans we can accomplish the same thing without the gross licking.

Q: I already shower after I go, so why should I use wet wipes?

Well first off, congrats for not minding that your friends and coworkers see you as an obsessive compulsive (even "anal"). I find this "every time" thing highly unlikely, if not impossible. Anyway though, certainly you agree with us then that we need a changing of our cultural cleanliness standards. Use wet wipes for emergencies and tell your friends.

Q: Ew, the wet wipes they use for babies? GROSS!

A: While that's not really a question, it's worth saying that whatever weird revulsion people have for soft, tightly knit moist cottony fiber it's hard to see how it's any grosser than actual human excrement. At worst the ends justify the means.

Q: what made you guys want to go public with this?

A: We were inspired by Richard Dawkins. We realized that some of the barbaric irrationality in our society was really expressed and perpetuated in the bathroom as well as the church.

Q: Noone goes there on me, so I don't have to worry.

A: If you stepped in shit with your bare feet and it squished between your toes, would you just grab a single napkin real quick since "no one licks your feet"? It's not just about going there- sometimes it's about going NEAR there. Plus, it's nice to be clean.

Q: Why isn't everyone doing this if you guys are so right?

A: Good question. People probably made these arguments when modern toothbrushing was brought to the fore. A combination of defensiveness for their antiquated practices, stubborn refusal to change, and a simple lack of understanding. At root though, I think it's because 99% of the population (us included) really kind of hates talking about this... um... shit. That makes it hard for change to come about. We're hoping that the semi-anonymous realm of the internet will be enough

Feel free to (anonymously or not) leave other questions or comments about this for us to see. First though, consider this as the answer to your question:

Are you saying that between two choices, one which involves having more shit on your body and the other less, you're picking option "more"?

Yours in pro-cleanliness solidarity,
Matt and John

EDIT: An Astute reader suggested that we recommend flushable wet wipes rather than baby wipes, as baby wipes aren't meant to be flushed. There are some links in the comments of sites where you can buy various wet-wipe products, some flushable.

"I think it had somethin' in it..."

2007-05-14T08:28:00.000-06:00

While I contemplate posting something I've written up on circumcision (I just know I'm gonna piss some people off, but my trusted "blog post reviewers" have been AWOL), I thought I'd post some more amazing distractions for your viewing pleasure. You can't just keep writing things up as "must sees" because posting two must-sees in a row will hurt your credibility. Nevertheless, I can't imagine anyone from Erin to the Libertarians I argue with on another blog wouldn't find a clip about a Cop who confiscates marijuana, uses it with his wife, and then calls 9-11 because he's so high he thinks he's "dead or dying" life-changingly funny. It's a short video, but it includes some of call- if anyone can find a whole tape of the call you'll be the hero of the day- a real American.

The free online face morpher that John used a few posts ago is here, and it's pretty excellent technology.

Everyone probably seen the "funny student exam answers" stuff a million times, but I always read it in case there's one I haven't seen because it's funny enough.

EDIT: alert reader Nhoj Baldingpound sent in the entire, unedited clip (there is a great part at the end- wait for it.) Find it here.

A Modern Classic

2007-05-11T22:09:00.000-06:00

From the blog that brought you Alexyss Tyler's vagina power, "lemon-headed coward terrorist pussy", Alanis Morissette performing "My Hump" (okay, you probably would've seen My Hump anyway) comes the newest in a long line of classics. Called simply "introduction" I would be remiss if I ruined the video by telling you too much about it. The best part of it is that it seems SO innocuous at first, like you're supposed to think it's funny just because it's some silly guy talking funny. Just wait.

the dog's bollocks

2007-05-11T19:05:00.000-06:00

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who say shit like "there are two kinds of people in this world" all the time, and those who think it's lame. I'm with the second group.

Anyway though I was just thinking about some common phrases and without getting all Jerry Seinfeld on ya'll, I thought we collectively get together (in spirit, via this blog) and marvel out how silly they are together.

You'll hear people say "oh I'm totally anal about that" all the time in completely polite conversation. This should be familiar to everyone; I had an older woman employee who would blush if I said "damn sam" but she said one day "I'm kind of anal." Does everybody else think this is as weird as I do?

I kind of flinch when i hear this, like "um, did you just refer to your anus? Here at the office?" Oh, no I'm sorry actually you just claimed that during the anal stage of your childhood development, during which you supposedly received your primary pleasure from going #2, you developed a need for an "immaculate anus" which corresponded to qualities you now think of yourself as having, like cleanliness. Yeah, that's the theory of being "anal."- go read some Freud if you don't believe me. It reminds me of this Louis CK joke (it's at about 11:00 in here) in which he sees a yoga instructor telling everybody to thrust their pelvis in a sexual-seeming manner and encouraging them to get into by saying "c'mon!" Anyway, Louis CK wishes he had that power to just make groups of people start thrusting their pelvis' anytime he says "c'mon!" Well Freud totally pulled a c'mon on everybody by getting them to describe people as "anal" without thinking twice about it.

Also, "shit-eating grin"? I can't even fathom how that came about. Or like the phrase people will use for slipping and falling/falling on skis, etc. "I just totally ate shit." One time John and I (awhile after having this conversation) finally got the opportunity to mess with someone on this. Cal comes in and goes "I was riding my bike and tried to jump a curb and I just totally ate shit!" John and I tried our best to maintain faces of horror and pretend like his story was a "'Long Story Short' story that could really use more elaboration." Anyway since there's no more to that story, and since half of you won't follow that hyperlink, here's another example of a "long story short" story (from McSweeneys):

I was at the mall yesterday trying to find a birthday gift for my mom, but she's really tough to shop for. I was thinking she might like some perfume, but I'm not really knowledgeable about that stuff, so I didn't trust myself to get a good kind. So I thought I'd just get a gift certificate for her, but the line was really long at the customer-service desk, and I was in a hurry ... so, long story short, Don Cheadle is waiting for you out in the parking lot, and he looks really pissed.

Top that!

PS- I'm not just linking this to make myself sound witty; it's my friend Casey's blog! She thinks like an old sea captain, and I think that's fucking awesome.

PPS- everybody is invited to post any other "strange/inappropriate things people say daily without thinking twice" in the comments section. Whoever's first is the the coolest person to have lived.

Affirmative Action and Poker: an allegory

2007-05-07T15:39:00.000-06:00

I grew up a military brat and so it wasn't unusual to find myself living in bizarre places. When I was 10 I lived in Ft. Leavenworth, Kansas- the home of one of the largest prisons in the US- while my dad attended CGSC for the military (command general staff college.) I remember getting my haircut by inmates because it was only 5 bucks, and how when a prisoner had escaped there'd be these alerts that asked people in the area to lock their doors and turn their lights off until the person was apprehended. One of my fondest and most vivid memories at the time though, was when my dad came home and told me about a presentation on Affirmative Action given by the battalion commander, General Archipov (who was white.)*

As should surprise no one at all, the military is a conservative institution. In Ft. Leavenworth there was noticeable resentment for some of the black officers who were seen as having attained their status unfairly. Because of this, Archipov decided to present to the students (including my dad) a vivid and illuminating presentation to explain affirmative action. I have no doubt that nearly everyone who was a part of this (and hopefully this is still ongoing) never saw affirmative action in the same light.

The students walked into the class and were told they'd be playing poker for fun. 4 students sat at the table with one superior officer who was the all-time dealer. It was a normal game of 5 card draw poker for chips that could be exchanged for real-money, and all of the students were given $100 in chips. There were only two special rules:

The dealer could request to see your cards and you had to comply, but you could not see his.
The dealer could decide which hand won and which hand lost as he saw fit.

With that, the superior officers and Archipov left the room. The officers were not permitted to speak, and being military officers with plenty of experience under their belt they knew how to deal with total horseshit and say nothing about it. So what happened next is exactly as you think; the dealers won every single hand and their pile of chips was dramatically increasing. After a while the superiors walk back in the room, feigning surprise over how badly the dealers are winning. Archipov, in his best serious voice, says "Can anyone explain to me what's going on?" All of the students raise their hands and he calls on one Staff Sergent Michaels.

Staff Sergent Michaels: "Well sir, the dealer is simply allowed to decide who wins and who loses! And, further..."

General Archipov: "Woah, hold it right there soldier. That's clearly unfair. From now on we'll use the standard ranking of hands in poker, with no deviations allowed."

And with that, the commanding officers left the room and the poker playing resumed.

"They were an unsuited two pair, hoping to catch a new life on the flop, and find happiness on river."

So the playing continues, not as bad as before, but the Dealer still winning the vast majority of the hands (since he can see all of the cards.) His pile steadily gets bigger, and while a few guys get lucky and cut their losses a bit, a general feeling of frustration permeates (remember, they have no idea what this is about.) Archipov and the commanding officers walk back in, and the hands go right up. When Archipov simply looks in Sgt. Michaels direction, he starts in:

Michaels: General Archipov, sir, the dealer can see all of our cards but we aren't allowed to see his!

Archipov: Why that's ridiculous! That's not a fair way to play the game. The dealer's not allowed to ask to see your cards from now on, nor should you see his. There's still a little time left; play on.

"He was the ace of diamonds and she was the queen of hearts, but love is the biggest big blind of all."

So, it's been 2 hours and most people are down if not out, but they're finally playing by the real rules. The dealers play tight, and hang close to the $400 dollars or so they all have while the other players scrounge to catch up with their meager chip standings. Archipov walks back after only a few minutes to ask how things are going and things are as restless and tense as they were an hour ago. "What's the matter?" Archipov asks. "What could you possibly have to complain about? You didn't like the first rule so I changed it. You thought the second rule was unfair, so i changed it too. I've given you everything you wanted and now you're playing by rules that we all agree are perfectly fair. What in the hell are you complaining about?"

Michaels is the first to pipe up: "Sure, we're playing by rules that are fair now- but the dealers got to play with unfair rules for two hours! They've got all the chips!"

Archipov repeats this for effect:
"They've got all the chips. Gentlemen, what you're feeling right now is all you need to know about why we need Affirmative Action."

"We seek not just freedom but opportunity - not just legal equity but human ability - not just equality as a right and a theory, but equality as a fact and a result."
-Lyndon Johnson

Statistics on the average annual earnings (i.e. the wage gap) as broken down by race and gender here.

*I made up the name because I didn't remember it but I'm sure he was white. Anyone should be extremely proud to have the name Archipov though as a google search will show- I'll blog about it in the future anyway,

Only one other player in NBA history has taken at least 10 shots in a game in which his team was eliminated from the playoffs and made as low a ......

2007-05-04T08:53:00.000-06:00

"Dirk Nowitzki, who averaged 24.6 points per game and was an All-Star this season, made only 2-of-13 shots (15 percent) in the Mavericks' loss.

Only one other player in NBA history has taken at least 10 shots in a game in which his team was eliminated from the playoffs and made as low a percentage as Nowitzki after being an All-Star and averaging at least 20 points per game that season: Michael Finley was 1-for-17 (6 percent) in the Mavericks' 2001 series-ending loss to the Spurs."

Yes, that on ESPN.com this morning. You would not think that such a historic victory would require such ridiculous statistical analysis to make it sounds interesting, but I guess the "Daily Dime" couldn't come up with ten interesting points on the conclusion of the series.

Matt and I thought we'd help out with some more statistical insight into this series, just in case ESPN runs out of material (as they apparently have already)

"This is the first time a 7 footer who who led all western conference centers in 4th quarter assists has failed to to get more than 10 rebounds in an opening round game 6"

"This is surprisingly, only the 3rd time in NBA history that Kate Hudson has been to an NBA game with a boy who she was previously thought to have broken up with."

"The first occasion on which a hirsute man named for a nobleman with body like a Michaelangelo sculpture in a dream has consistently shot over 50% in a series despite battling a porcine-related injury"

Youtube Videos part 2- the most Epic post ever

2007-05-02T10:43:00.000-06:00

[it's] Been too long, audience. It was easier to rationalize not posting when people weren't reading this, but we're actually getting some serious viewage. So I aim to do a lot with this post, starting with introducing you to that gif above. Sorry if you've seen these before- I've tried to include ones that have never been shown to me, and are therefore conceivably fresh and new to most people (i.e. I'm not including fucking evolution of dance, or Numa Numa or any of that BS.) We've been going through youtube videos like crazy here lately, and that's in part why I'm trying to contain this stuff in one fell swoop, instead of pimping this stuff out over 20 posts (but c'mon, that George Washington post was totally worth it. So... brave this post, if you dare. Though there is a lot of stuff, but remember: I have left out a lot, so it's not like I just posted every youtube video around. Don't be fooled by the volume into thinking that there is throwaway shit on there, because there isn't. But this is how big my "incredible videos to post on the blog" folder has gotten in the last 6 months.

Okay off the top of my head here, I'm going to say that this clip is tied with the Alexyss Tyler show as my favorite youtube clip ever. It's Aries Spears doing a freestyle impression of LL Cool J, Snoop, DMX, and Jay Z. It's uncanny.

Japanese prank shows apparently don't have to worry about lawsuits. I can't explain this clip any other way; they set up hidden cameras in bathrooms and then interrupt the people with a mechanical contraption that raises them up in the middle of park with their pants down. It gets better and better until, at about 5:00 the real over-the-top masterpiece occurs... Just watch. The sheer insanity of these prank ideas is amazing- I hope Ashton watches these and gets some ideas.

This guy finds out he's not the father of a woman's baby on some Judge Maury Springer type show, and his reaction is touching. Probably need the sound up for this one...

This one has something like 4 million views, but I have never seen it or heard of it. This guy records himself striking a drum once, or hitting a single piano key and then meshes all of that into a badass song.

What can you say about this one? Some Bollywood midget does an amazing dance and smokes a cigar. He and David Elsewhere should have a dance-off

The creepiest ad I've ever seen. This guy has a face for radio but he has a voice for email, amirite? Anyway, is "If you can't get credit at my store you can't get credit anywhere" really an appealing tagline?

Live action Mike Tyson's Punch Out. This is my favorite live action nintendo video (doesn't sound like much, but that actually means something in the world of youtube.)

Most people probably HAVE seen "Boom Goes the Dynamite" (about the sad sack sportscaster who messes up and then redeems himself) so I won't embed it, but if you wanna check it out, click here. You know what, I'm just gonna go ahead and post a bunch of links that have been hanging over my head here- I know you're supposed to ration that shit, but I figure the people who are hardcore won't be plussed with only a few little links.

If your name is Matt Zoeller click this one. It's a Metal band made up of kids (and I mean seriously young little kids) and they rock hard. That 4 year old girl little singer dancer in the middle is real prize- starting about 1:00 in she totally steals the show. And whomever knows spanish (Zoeller?), would you go the band's blog and tell me what they're all about?

This here's a lady who's stomping grapes live on TV (an extended version reveals her to be kind of a bitch, so maybe you dond't have to feel so bad for her) and she falls on her face and starts making animal noises of pain.

The crazy frog brothers- two kids who have created an elaborate dance/lip-synch performance to the song "Axel F" by Crazy Frog (which was- no shit- the number one song in Britain for awhile because they're THAT LAME.) Ashlee and I would've totally done something like this when we were young.

The story of a drunk man who wakes up with black cat firecrackers tied to his leg (and by "story" I mean, "clip of him waking and trying to scramble desperately away.") Moderately funny, but short which redeems it.

This is a Baby Panda sneezing- it gets an embed because I could watch a one hour clip of this even without the sneeze.

This high school football team stages one of the craziest comebacks in football history. Something like 30 points in 4 minutes... I guess they didn't realize that God is great comedian- wait for the end.

The Price is Right gets crazy with a woman who has no idea what she's doing... but does it well.

Okay, last one and this one's for Leah. Matt Damon's short-but-sweet dead-on impression of Matthew McConaughey. He nails the voice, but he also caputers the spirit, too.

Liberalism causes Daylight Savings time causes Global Warming

2007-04-27T08:28:00.000-06:00

close up shot here. (from Kottke.org)

Money Quote: "Daylight Savings Time started almost a month early this year. You would think that Members of Congress would have considered the warming effect that an extra hour of daylight would have on our climate. Or Did they?

Perhaps this another plot by a liberal congress to convince us that Global Warming is a real threat. Perhaps next time there should be serious studies performed before Congress passes laws with such far-reaching effects."

Wow, who needs the onion when you've got the Arkansas post-Gazette?