Friday, May 11, 2007

the dog's bollocks


There are two kinds of people in this world: those who say shit like "there are two kinds of people in this world" all the time, and those who think it's lame. I'm with the second group.

Anyway though I was just thinking about some common phrases and without getting all Jerry Seinfeld on ya'll, I thought we collectively get together (in spirit, via this blog) and marvel out how silly they are together.

You'll hear people say "oh I'm totally anal about that" all the time in completely polite conversation. This should be familiar to everyone; I had an older woman employee who would blush if I said "damn sam" but she said one day "I'm kind of anal." Does everybody else think this is as weird as I do?

I kind of flinch when i hear this, like "um, did you just refer to your anus? Here at the office?" Oh, no I'm sorry actually you just claimed that during the anal stage of your childhood development, during which you supposedly received your primary pleasure from going #2, you developed a need for an "immaculate anus" which corresponded to qualities you now think of yourself as having, like cleanliness. Yeah, that's the theory of being "anal."- go read some Freud if you don't believe me. It reminds me of this Louis CK joke (it's at about 11:00 in here) in which he sees a yoga instructor telling everybody to thrust their pelvis in a sexual-seeming manner and encouraging them to get into by saying "c'mon!" Anyway, Louis CK wishes he had that power to just make groups of people start thrusting their pelvis' anytime he says "c'mon!" Well Freud totally pulled a c'mon on everybody by getting them to describe people as "anal" without thinking twice about it.

Also, "shit-eating grin"? I can't even fathom how that came about. Or like the phrase people will use for slipping and falling/falling on skis, etc. "I just totally ate shit." One time John and I (awhile after having this conversation) finally got the opportunity to mess with someone on this. Cal comes in and goes "I was riding my bike and tried to jump a curb and I just totally ate shit!" John and I tried our best to maintain faces of horror and pretend like his story was a "'Long Story Short' story that could really use more elaboration." Anyway since there's no more to that story, and since half of you won't follow that hyperlink, here's another example of a "long story short" story (from McSweeneys):

I was at the mall yesterday trying to find a birthday gift for my mom, but she's really tough to shop for. I was thinking she might like some perfume, but I'm not really knowledgeable about that stuff, so I didn't trust myself to get a good kind. So I thought I'd just get a gift certificate for her, but the line was really long at the customer-service desk, and I was in a hurry ... so, long story short, Don Cheadle is waiting for you out in the parking lot, and he looks really pissed.

Top that!





PS- I'm not just linking this to make myself sound witty; it's my friend Casey's blog! She thinks like an old sea captain, and I think that's fucking awesome.

PPS- everybody is invited to post any other "strange/inappropriate things people say daily without thinking twice" in the comments section. Whoever's first is the the coolest person to have lived.

3 comments:

Ms. C said...

another expression i find troubling is "flipping a bitch" for making a U-turn. someone please explain that to me. matt, even.

John said...

I just added "Teen Witch" to my Netflix queue. Looks great!

alissa said...

When something breaks my dad says it "shit the bed."