Wednesday, May 16, 2007

A Wet-Wipe Manifesto



Imagine visiting a friends home for dinner and afterwards you offer to help with the dishes. You friend welcomes your help and tosses you a roll of paper towels. They explain that they don't use water or soap to clean their dishes and utensils, they simply wipe them down with a dry paper towel and put them back in the cupboard.

"What about bacteria that surely grows on the food remnants? What about germs that undoubtedly remain after a simple 'dry rub'?"


"Wow, I get nearly the same shine with none of those nasty soap spots!"

Your friend explains that they have decided washing dishes is gross. They don't want to get their hands all wet and they'd rather just use dry paper towels to rub them down. Their kitchen smells disgusting, but at least the plates are out of sight in the cupboard, prior to use.

Disgusted, you vow to never eat at their home again. In fact, you decide you would rather avoid their home all together as surely this disgusting practice is evidence of a total disregard for cleanliness, and probably even personal hygiene.

Imagine what they do with their ass?! Do they simply wipe it down in a "dry rub" fashion after using the toilet? You can't imagine; the thought of such a practice is frightening. Imagine a world where people clean their feces covered bung holes with nothing but a dry rub from some paper.

Welcome to America.

Europeans have been using bidets to clean themselves for nearly 300 years. They evidently thought that spending the day with feces attached to their anus was gross, and they preferred to wash it off. (seems simple enough)

"OMG you guys, Europe was SOOOO amazing. In the bathrooms they have these water-fountains that double as beer coolers, so you don't have to use the tub!"

America evidently missed the memo on cleanliness. Most have never even seen a bidet. And while they were preoccupied visiting dentists and inventing cocaine (watch the Washington video), the Europeans were revolutionizing the art of wiping.

So what do you do now? How can you help save America? What if I was to tell you that the solution is not in buying an expensive bidet, but found at your local supermarket?


Yes, Baby wipes. No longer will babies be the sole members of the clean bum club. Why are they called baby wipes anyway? Who decided that with age your desire to have a clean ass goes away?



"It's all fun and games until someone thinks that dabbing these kids with a dry towel makes them clean."

Having presented this argument on more than a few occasions, we found that there were a few key responses that people would use, which we'll cover in our FAQ, below.

FAQ:
Q: I don't eat off my ass and neither does anyone else, so i think your dish analogy is stupid. What else you got?

A: I highly recommend looking into what an analogy is ("Obama isn't like Rex Grossman! Rex is way younger!") But mainly what I'd like to ask is: do you even wipe at all right now? Why? By your logic the whole idea behind cleaning the area AT ALL is silly. So if we're gonna do it, why not get clean?

Q: I feel like I'm already pretty clean/clean enough down there, so why bother using anything but the dry rub?

A: If you slipped and fell in crap and all you had was a McDonald's napkin to clean off your bare elbow (for instance) would you shrug your shoulders and go "clean enough" or would you be dying to get home and wash with water? Even your dirty dog knows that cleaning that area and using moisture is imperative, and while I think we both would object to his methods we as humans we can accomplish the same thing without the gross licking.

Q: I already shower after I go, so why should I use wet wipes?

Well first off, congrats for not minding that your friends and coworkers see you as an obsessive compulsive (even "anal"). I find this "every time" thing highly unlikely, if not impossible. Anyway though, certainly you agree with us then that we need a changing of our cultural cleanliness standards. Use wet wipes for emergencies and tell your friends.

Q: Ew, the wet wipes they use for babies? GROSS!

A: While that's not really a question, it's worth saying that whatever weird revulsion people have for soft, tightly knit moist cottony fiber it's hard to see how it's any grosser than actual human excrement. At worst the ends justify the means.

Q: what made you guys want to go public with this?

A: We were inspired by Richard Dawkins. We realized that some of the barbaric irrationality in our society was really expressed and perpetuated in the bathroom as well as the church.

Q: Noone goes there on me, so I don't have to worry.

A: If you stepped in shit with your bare feet and it squished between your toes, would you just grab a single napkin real quick since "no one licks your feet"? It's not just about going there- sometimes it's about going NEAR there. Plus, it's nice to be clean.

Q: Why isn't everyone doing this if you guys are so right?

A: Good question. People probably made these arguments when modern toothbrushing was brought to the fore. A combination of defensiveness for their antiquated practices, stubborn refusal to change, and a simple lack of understanding. At root though, I think it's because 99% of the population (us included) really kind of hates talking about this... um... shit. That makes it hard for change to come about. We're hoping that the semi-anonymous realm of the internet will be enough

Feel free to (anonymously or not) leave other questions or comments about this for us to see. First though, consider this as the answer to your question:

Are you saying that between two choices, one which involves having more shit on your body and the other less, you're picking option "more"?

Yours in pro-cleanliness solidarity,
Matt and John



EDIT: An Astute reader suggested that we recommend flushable wet wipes rather than baby wipes, as baby wipes aren't meant to be flushed. There are some links in the comments of sites where you can buy various wet-wipe products, some flushable.

265 comments:

1 – 200 of 265   Newer›   Newest»
Unknown said...

but John what will we all do with those things hanging on our bathroom walls that dispense the shit spreading paper. After all wet wipes don't come in rolls.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Luke Rhinehart said...

Aaron:
n/m you weren't talking to me.

Malcolm:
That should be the new ad campaign. I see billboards saying that.

Anonymous said...

I don't find the responses to the "I feel like I'm already pretty clean ..." and "No one goes there on me ..." questions to be satisfactory. My elbows and toes are frequently exposed, such that any excrement on them would be easily seen or smelled and could be spread onto other surfaces. My anus, however, is isolated by my buttocks and my underwear and as a result is not nearly as exposed, meriting a lower level of acceptible cleanliness.

You are obviously correct when you note that a useful analogy doesn't imply that the two items being compared are absolutely identical. However, for the analogy to be effective, the items do have to be similar in aspects relevant to the argument. If it is demonstrated that there is a significant disanalogy in aspects relevant to the argument, the analogy fails to be persuasive. I consider my objection in the paragraph previous, as well as the "I don't eat off my butt" objection which you dismiss, to be valid.

You write: "By your logic the whole idea behind cleaning the area AT ALL is silly." But this is a strawman argument: the premises held by the typical toilet-paper-proponent do not imply that the anus should not be cleaned at all, but merely that the level of cleanliness achieved using toilet paper is acceptable.

Despite these quibbles with your argument, I find the proposal intriguing. My question would be: how does toilet paper compare to wet-wipes in cost (and, say, environmental impact)? As to cost: searching Amazon and doing a little artithmetic, I estimate that for the same amount of money, one can get very roughly 35 times as many squares of toilet paper as one can individual baby-wipes. (A more rigorous analysis than mine might come up with a better estimate, but I think this figure is acceptable for a cursory comparison.) Obviously a single baby-wipe can handle much more waste than a single square of toilet paper, so to answer the question of cost, we might want to know how many sheets of toilet paper it would take for a typical cleaning, and how many wet-wipes it would take instead. But, upon further consideration, perhaps this is not a good comparison, if wet wipes can do cleaning that toilet paper simply can't, no matter how much toilet paper is used (up to some reasonable limit). And then there's the factor of time. Wet-wipes that do the job better (if not necessarily cheaper) probably also do it faster, which means less time spent in the bathroom (presumably a plus).

Considering all this, I am inclined to try out wet-wipes at some point.

Luke Rhinehart said...

Hey alright... We've got a serious response.

My elbows and toes are frequently exposed, such that any excrement on them would be easily seen or smelled and could be spread onto other surfaces.

Well, I mentioned "between your toes" specifically for this reason. You do make a good point that the smell would be a concern and could plausibly provide another reason for elbow-cleanliness. However, when it comes to your toe it seems to me that using the McDonald's napkin per the example would largely eliminate said embarrassing smell, and that the comparable surfaces at risk for wiping (i.e. a sock) wouldn't differ markedly from say underwear.

Of course the deep underlying point (which I bet you agree with) is that while these other reasons you give (like the smell) are plausible explanations they are not exhaustive and don't preclude the very real feeling of "ickiness" or "grossness" that would pervade after such an occurrence, regardless.

However, for the analogy to be effective, the items do have to be similar in aspects relevant to the argument.

Absolutely. One can take issue with an analogy if the relevent details are different in important respects.

I consider my objection in the paragraph previous, as well as the "I don't eat off my butt" objection which you dismiss, to be valid.

In my opinion the "I don't eat off my butt" argument seems to me to have a countervailing weight to it, rendering the imperfect analogy still correct. Whereas you don't eat off your butt, it's also the case that shit is a much more vile substance that food. On balance, I think it works out.

the premises held by the typical toilet-paper-proponent do not imply that the anus should not be cleaned at all, but merely that the level of cleanliness achieved using toilet paper is acceptable.

The example responded to a specific(if hypothetical) claim about the reasons you might want something clean. Ultimately, I think the "why have it clean at all" question would be part of a larger rhetorical theme- I saw that answer in the FAQ not as definitive, but rather as exposing one argument for cleanliness (I clean things because they will be eaten off of.) Supposing one made that argument, I was implying that said person would then need to provide a reason why they clean at all.

My question would be: how does toilet paper compare to wet-wipes in cost (and, say, environmental impact)? As to cost: searching Amazon and doing a little artithmetic,

It's a great question, and one we hope to explore further in a future post. John and I have found it to be highly economical because the baby wipes often only require a single use per bathroom trip. Furthermore, as Hemmheroids and other forms of anal irritation are more common in the countries where sit and wipe is more common, it stands to reason that baby wipes may well be preferable for comfort/health reasons as well.

if wet wipes can do cleaning that toilet paper simply can't, no matter how much toilet paper is used (up to some reasonable limit).

A very good point, alongside many in this paragraph. Very thoughtful- are you a catallarchist by chance?


Considering all this, I am inclined to try out wet-wipes at some point.

Highly recommended- I'm glad to see you have an open mind. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

John said...

Dear Z. M. Davis,

Even though your anus is isolated by your buttocks and your underwear, I am confident you will find that cleaning it with wet wipes is highly preferable to a dry paper rub.

An assiduous "dry wiper" will continue to wipe until their wad appears spotless, evidence a supposedly clean anus. The function of the plate analogy is to inspire the reader to consider how effective a dry rub may be on a dirty dish. While the rag may eventually appear clean, closer inspection will reveal unsatisfactory levels of cleanliness.

Now, we are not suggesting one must insert their anus inside of a dishwasher, instead we believe that a moderate level of moisture will provide an increased level of comfort and cleanliness.

Thank you very much for your insightful comment, I look forward to hearing your thoughts after you try using wet wipes.

mqzoeller said...

I won't try to convince anyone that the baby wipe approach isn't awesome, which I'm convinced it is, but there along with the analogy topic, there is something I thinked that has been left unsaid. You see, the kitchen with dirty plates actually wouldn't end up smelling bad unless you specifically put your nose near the plates themselves because in most cases the kitchen would be washed completely and thoroughly with lots of soap and water pressure once a day (a shower).

Maybe this is the real difference in why babies get baby wipes and adults don't. Perhaps you are officially old enough to stop using them when you are old enough to either bath yourself, or get yourself dirty enough to warrant a full body bathing. Babies after all, don't do shit all day, other than shit all day (and sleep and eat) so using a wet towelette is substituting what will later be a bath, then a shower.

Remember when we were younger and first heard about bidets, we thought they seemed weird and gay, as in, having water sprayed at your ass outside of a shower is something only a gay person would ever do? Maybe that was just specific to where I grew up, but it wasn't until I had matured a bit and realized that maybe using a bidet wouldn't make me gay that I decided I would try one when I got the chance. I did end up using one a few times, and it worked like a charm. I wish I had one in my own house.

However, I was also in Europe two times for long periods of time and I can tell you with veracity that the dry paper method is more popular there as well. Bidets exist, but they aren't everywhere. In fact, it wasn't until recently, when speaking with a French friend that I learned that the bidet's original purpose was to serve in lieu (French word, also English word) of a bath or shower when water supply was an issue. He also told me that he used the bidet as a kid to bathe himself but has stopped a long time ago. He is also sure that when building new homes it is becoming increasing rare to even install one. I was surprised and thought this was a shame.

I don't know if it is all true though because the same friend, when told what Americans call French Kissing laughed and also said that they don't kiss like that (with tongue) when they grow up and it is also just for kids. He was surprised that "we" still do. I then spent a good day or two wondering if I was the only person who still "Frenched" girls and if I had been nievely imposing that upon the thousands and thousands of hot babes I've met over the years.

Another overlooked issue not brought up yet is the difference of assholes between young people and older people (I hope no one is reading this out loud, especially near my employer or parent of student)I am referring to hair though. I think you if were even more bold you would not only use babywipes but would go all the way and shave your ass, assuring the message that your ass leaves no invitation whatsoever.

I personally have had such conversations as these with the two authors of this blog and officially crossed over as a babywipe user about two or three years ago. I will say though, that I cross back over, basically everyday because of my extremely high metabolism and doing of Number 2 approximately 2.3 times per day. According to an impromptu survey of my junior year algebra class 7 years ago, this figure is far more than the average high school math student. I don't know if you guys took this into consideration. I mean, I could plan ahead and keep myself equipped with a fanny pack or something, but until either that happens or my metabolism slows way down I will have to find reasons to justify using old method. Once my metabolism does slow down I will probably have a cleaner ass but will suddenly become a fatass at the same time.

Losing potential jobs in one paragraph and potential mates in the next,

-Zoeller

mqzoeller said...

PS: I'm not sure why I just typed the word "thinked".

Luke Rhinehart said...

Interesting anecdotal history of the bidet. That sounds plausible, but given the setup and the location it's hard to see how it wasn't built with asses and vaginas in mind. If we thought hard about it, I bet we'd realize that the deep idea ultimately came from Thailand and our collective (including Morgen and probably Aaron) experiences there. In thailand some of the bathrooms have spray hoses like the kind in the kitchen sink (you know the little black one that you can prank people with) which is usually awesome- strengthening the dish comparison even further!

Someone once told me that some French people call "french kissing" "american kissing" and while that's probably not true, I really love that idea. The wikipedia article seems to suggest that it's common everywhere and that makes more sense (though would you agree that there may be some cultural differences in kissing style?)

I did end up using one a few times, and it worked like a charm. I wish I had one in my own house.

PANAMA! PANA-MAH-HA! (I don't expect anyone other than matt to get that btw.)

Anonymous said...

Another great plus is that there would be fewer clogged pipes. Sometimes dry wipers use a half roll of paper trying to get "clean."

Anonymous said...

I'd still use the dry toilet paper for cleaning off pee -- I don't like being all wet there. Maybe, since y'all are guys, you did not consider that there is more to wipe than just the ass.

Anonymous said...

been using the baby wipes for years. it's the only way to, um, go... and also? i judge those who don't. just a little.

Anonymous said...

Of course, no one has addressed the problem of disposal. These wipes are much thicker than normal TP, and consequently don't break down nearly as fast. As a homeowner with a septic system, I have removed these from my life.

I'd be curious to hear from a sewage technician about the impact of the "super TP"

Anonymous said...

1. As as homeowner with a drainage field/well system I am not supposed to toss wet wipes into the toilet... apparently does a nasty on the septic system. And I'd really rather not toss them in the trash as I would not like that smell lingering around around it's time to take out the trash.
2. You might be interested in this bidet "retro fit" (http://www.kk.org/cooltools/archives/001553.php)

adamjspooner said...

I'm interested in reading what Richard Dawkins said to inspire this. Any links or book/video referrals?

Luke Rhinehart said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I "quick lick" the toilet paper before I wipe -- saliva is a pretty decent cleansing agent and it makes the toilet paper hurt less. Word.

Anonymous said...

Thanks guys... I'm beginning to see the light... check these out... flushable "wet ones".

Luke Rhinehart said...

I'm interested in reading what Richard Dawkins said to inspire this. Any links or book/video referrals?

I'll see what I can find for you Adam. But as it is it was really just a general spirit that we found in Dawkins of "Don't let traditions bind you to irrational practices" you know?

Unknown said...

I don't wear underwear and I ride a bike. So I know I need to be clean. I started about 2 years ago with the dry wipe first then a roll up and wetting of another wipe, and a second dry wipe. I've figured just a bit more paper used than a single wipe but much, much cleaner. This is all part of my morning routing and the bio-scheduled defication period. Plus I shower in the a.m. as well. But, if I am out and need to shite. I dry-wet-dry as well.

Anonymous said...

I invite you to check out Toto's solution called washlets:
Toto USA

Jemaleddin said...

A key difference that any parent who has bothered to read the directions on baby wipes (or had to pay a plumber to clean a clogged pipe) knows: baby wipes aren't meant to be flushed.

They do make flushable wipes, however, so please recommend those instead.

Mikey McCorry said...

Waay ahead of you. We've got a metric buttload of those baby wipes left over from our daughter's babyhood (she's now 3 and toilet trained), so yeah, I've been happy to use em up. I still use the TP for the mojority of the work, but the wipes givve a happy ending to the whole experience. Now I'll never go back. Huzzah!

Anonymous said...

I'm sympathetic to the cause. Thanks for making this bold statement.

But on the other hand, when you use the toilet, you normally get pretty well coated by a thin layer of aerosolized fecal matter. Should we change our clothes after using the toilet, or poop naked?

Anonymous said...

Come to Japan and use a Washlet and you will never, ever, be able to poop without one again.

Luke Rhinehart said...

Some more responses (I responded to everyone- so you should be able to find yours.)

been using the baby wipes for years. it's the only way to, um, go... and also? i judge those who don't. just a little.

nice. We were hoping that it was less of a "Here's a revolutionary idea we came up with that noone else has" (which would probably mean we were wrong) and more of a "Plenty of people have seen the light, but it rarely comes up." As a meme it's serious hampered by the fact that people don't generally like talking about dirty butts (myself included.)

Of course, no one has addressed the problem of disposal. These wipes are much thicker than normal TP, and consequently don't break down nearly as fast. As a homeowner with a septic system, I have removed these from my life.

Good point. Someone below suggested flushable wipes, and I think there's a link. Maybe you could try those?

I'd be curious to hear from a sewage technician about the impact of the "super TP"

me too- anyone?


1. As as homeowner with a drainage field/well system I am not supposed to toss wet wipes into the toilet... apparently does a nasty on the septic system.

See above- apparently some are made "flushable."

2. You might be interested in this bidet "retro fit" (http://www.kk.org/cooltools/archives/001553.php)

Sweet I'll check it out.

I "quick lick" the toilet paper before I wipe -- saliva is a pretty decent cleansing agent and it makes the toilet paper hurt less. Word.

Agreed, this is a good idea especially if no wet-wipes are available. My experience with wet-TP (and with all TP to some extent) is that while you may get cleaner you can also get TP particulate on you (a rather unpleasant slang term exists for this phenomenon.)

Thanks guys... I'm beginning to see the light... check these out... flushable "wet ones".

Let us know how it goes. Hopefully we'll get to create a testimonials section.


I started about 2 years ago with the dry wipe first then a roll up and wetting of another wipe, and a second dry wipe.

That's a good strategy I bet- for biking you would really need to be clean. The TP particulate problem is always an issue with wetting regular TP though...

Plus I shower in the a.m. as well. But, if I am out and need to shite. I dry-wet-dry as well.

Aside from some speculative concerns about Hemorrhoid risk (supposedly higher with the irritation from TP- someone said that wiping more than twice dry doubles your risk for Chronic hemorrhoids) and TP-particulate that sounds pretty solid.

I invite you to check out Toto's solution called washlets:
Toto USA


Sweet- thanks.

A key difference that any parent who has bothered to read the directions on baby wipes (or had to pay a plumber to clean a clogged pipe) knows: baby wipes aren't meant to be flushed.

We didn't consider this- thanks (we were curious but didn't know.) I've edited the post to recommend "flushable wet wipes" now.


We've got a metric buttload of those baby wipes left over ... Now I'll never go back. Huzzah!

Nice- It's like when Bell invented the telephone and there were other people who did it too, independently. Probably the sign of a great idea (yeah, I just compared wet wipes to the invention of the telephone, I know.)


But on the other hand, when you use the toilet, you normally get pretty well coated by a thin layer of aerosolized fecal matter. Should we change our clothes after using the toilet, or poop naked?

Tough questions, all. Is this from flushing? Maybe you could put the lid down?

Thanks for the thoughtful comments everyone.

Anonymous said...

I suspect that the main reason that baby wipes are mainly used for babies and not adults is that infants shit all over themselves and adults use the toilet. It's a different sort of mess.

Also, if you're eating enough fiber, there shouldn't be much excrement left on your ass anyway.

girlalex said...

I just returned from India and Africa and my friends in those countries were just as confused by Americans only using TP as we were by them using soap, water and their left hand. Wet wipes are a good alternative, but as someone previously mentioned, they're not flushable (especially in 3rd world countries - even TP is a no-no). I ended up either going the way of soap and water (and using your left hand for anything else is considered rude regardless) or carrying around a ziploc baggie to store my waste in. Needless to say, carrying around a baggy of shitty TP got old fast and I'm all about the soap and water combo (though drip-dry is another problem to tackle.) Now that I'm home, though, I will definitely get some flushable wet wipes.

Anonymous said...

http://www.colorlines.com/article.php?ID=42&limit=0&limit2=750&page=1

Anonymous said...

Its called a lota.

John said...

girlalex- I know what you mean about the flushability of paper products in developing countries. Although I must admit I have never considered carrying around my soiled TP in a plastic bag. Imagine going through airport security or customs when a security agent pulls out your zip-lock and says, "what's this?". You say, "oh no! Don't open that! I meant to throw it away."

Of course, the security agent now has no choice but to open the bag and inspect the contents.

Anonymous said...

This is exactly how god talks about wiping

girlalex said...

The one benefit of keeping used TP in your bag is that it acts as a really good deterrent for nosy host families (a lot of them go through your stuff). Once they realize what it is, you can bet they aren't going to continue snooping..

Anonymous said...

If it hasn't been mentioned already, I'd like to add that moist-towelettes, available in the toilet paper section of your supermarket, are the way to go. "Baby wipes" are meant for the landfill with the diaper and are NOT flushable (as indicated on the package).

Completely agree with the sentiments expressed in this article and have been keeping my ass clean for years now.

Anonymous said...

Matt: that's funny -- I'm hoping to start dating a guy named Matt soon (I am in the early maneuvering stages). Oh, and I'm not really a mom -- I just want to be a mom someday, and I think about it a lot.

I'm sure wet wipes would be fine for the vagina. Always actually markets these "fresh wipe" things that are meant to be used while on the rag.

My concern is this: females ooze. It's unfortunate, really, but we do. something about having this big open hole into our body, I suppose. And I don't think wet wipes would really get the ooze cleaned up and leave me feeling dryish. I'll have to try it tho -- I think I've got some of those Always wipes around here (they throw a bunch in with every pack of pads). As I'm thinking about this, maybe wet wipes would be decent. After all, I don't wipe after peeing when I'm out in the woods.

You should definitely run some trials there. Perhaps get your girlfriend involved? I see some definite potential for scientific testing, and I'm curious if not getting completely dry after peeing on a regular basis could lead to increased yeast infection *shrug*

My mind is still out on the wet wipe idea. TP has the advantage of being easy to transport, light, and cheap. I'd like to see that cost analysis.

cheers! Leah

Anonymous said...

I was a long-time user of a damp cloth, periodically laundered, mainly to save money and make myself feel environmentally responsible.
The important thing is not to allow oneself to get hysterical about cleanliness. One's arsehole simply doesn't need to be as clean as one's hands: it is the hole that turds come out of. The authors' unexamined assumption is that all parts of the body are, or should be, subject to the same standards of hygiene. This is ridiculous. Surgeons are not required to undergo an antiseptic enema prior to entering the theatre.
Most people don't clean the dining table with the same rigour as the dishes; the same goes for toenails as opposed to fingernails and the kitchen sink as opposed to the laundry sink. The reason babies' arses are given so much more attention than grown-ups' is that their tissues are delicate, prone to spending a lot more time coated in excrement, and generally housed in a close, humid diaper microclimate, and thus vulnerable to irritation and infection. I am confident your leathery arse can handle somewhat more cavalier treatment.

Anonymous said...

When I went to India I loved a lot of the toilets there. A nice one would be a real sit down toilet with a hose. A not so nice one would be a hole in the ground with a big water bucket and a little one. My ass never felt cleaner. Give me two buckets over a roll of TP anyday.

Brad Fults said...

This is pure awesome. I've used flushable wet wipes for over 10 years and always rolled my eyes at people who don't. Thanks for the manifesto!

Kate G said...

This is SO AWESOME! My husband and I have been using the flushable wipes (which you can find RIGHT NEXT to the toilet paper in the grocery store, which gives me hope that we are not alone!) for years.

This is going to sound insanely gross, but everyone that doesn't use wipes: take a crap, use toilet paper, and then the next time you have to pee wipe your bum and notice that the toilet paper will not be perfectly dry and clean.

I am so glad you wrote something about this. (Found it on kottke.org.)

Luke Rhinehart said...

Everyone- that "comment deleted by admin" thing above was just a comment by me that left off a chuck of what I was saying. We don't delete comments unless they go WAY over the line in insulting-ness. Here's the comment.

Ryan: travelers of the world unite- that little spray hose ruled (they had them in Thailand too when John and I went). It's like the hose we have next to the kitchen sink right?

Dr. Ramirez:

I think you may have the "environmentally responsible" thing backwards, but the jury's out. Anyway, of course one should avoid getting hysterical about cleanliness but I hardly see what that has to do with anything. We're not talking about OCD handwashing here, we're talking about a more efficient method of removing unsanitary human feces from your body.

I should say that while we appreciate any thoughtful comments (and yours certainly was), I get the distinct impression that you didn't read the FAQ.

The authors' unexamined assumption is that all parts of the body are, or should be, subject to the same standards of hygiene. This is ridiculous

I think is clearly false. If there was an epidemic of people getting crap on their lips and we decided to blog about it, I can assure you that wet wipes would likely not have come up (unless the scenario was "you're alone in a desert with nothing but wet-wipes and crap gets on your lips.") Rather we'd be suggesting a minimum 50-hour lip soak followed by lip transplants. That's jocular of course, but you get the point. OF COURSE different parts of your body should have different standards of cleanliness.

Again, we mention toes for exactly this reason as you might've seen in the FAQ.

Surgeons are not required to undergo an antiseptic enema prior to entering the theatre.

I think it's clear that while the telos of a thing is a factor in assessing how clean it should be, it's not the ONLY factor. I might ask you based on your points "Why wipe at all?"

It reminds me of the people who don't clean their house because, what's the difference right? There's certainly more to the argument than this, but it's important to have things clean.

Brad: right on.

Kate G: Your experiment is good advice to all of the doubters. Kottke is one of our fave websites, so we were more than excited to get a link!

Anonymous said...

a friend of mine who's known for his cleanliness wasn't at all shy about telling me what the wet wipes were for in his bathrm. i later wondered why i'd never thought to buy them for myself.

i'll never go back to t.p. NEVER.

Anonymous said...

My poo isn't crusted on my arse like old food to a plate. I could get pudding off of a plate with enough paper towels.

Luke Rhinehart said...

two points NR:

1. not at FIRST it isn't.

2. Repeated TP usage in one sitting isn't green (if you care), isn't time-effective, and irritates the ass possibly resulting in increased Hemorrhoid risk.

markle said...

Another long-time wet wipe user here! Dry wipe first (to get rid of the bulk) and then follow it up with some wet wipes to leave you feeling fresh and wonderful. I also had hemorrhoids before the discovery but wet wipes pretty much took care of them.

I spent a long time smuggling wet wipes into out-of-home bathrooms in ziploc baggies but now Cottonelle offers little travel packs of them that you can slip into your pocket. I keep a few packs in my desk drawer at all times.

Thanks for shining light on this issue - the more people with clean rings, the better!

Anonymous said...

The Japanese, of course have it all figured out. See the "washlet" by Toto.

Washlet.com

mike uy said...

i can't tell if someone else posted this already, but one of the improv comics at underground citizens brigade used to promote this cause at his shows about five years ago and his argument was great, so i will paraphrase:

1) go get some flushable wet wipes
2) crap
3) keep wiping with toilet paper until you wipe and the paper doesn't pick up any stain or coloration
4) now use the wet wipe

you will find that the wet wipe is now brown (or whatever color your crap was)

so, now that you know you would otherwise be walking around with shit on your ass all day, aren't you obligated in the name of hygiene to use the wet wipes?

this works on most people.

wen said...

many other cultures (especially in africa) use the 'squirt bottle' method.

use the loo, squirt some warm water, and be done. kind of like a portable bidet. (my friends from there said there wasn't really tp where they grew up...but here, you could always go, squirt and dry. :)

an old skool bike bottle works great.

John said...

Wow... these are some effing excellent comments. Mike, thanks for your input. That is an excellent method for converting dry-rubbers. I will be sure to add it to my arsenal.

Girlalex: "The one benefit of keeping used TP in your bag is that it acts as a really good deterrent for nosy host families (a lot of them go through your stuff)."

That is true! Matt and I were in El Salvador a couple months back. I walked into our room and found the home's caretaker going through Leah's purse (Leah is Matt's GF). He had both his hands in her purse. Fortunately I was there to stop him.. although I'm sure a bag of dirty TP would have scared him away just as well.

Anonymous said...

chalk up another long time wet-wipe user. i actually would shower obsessively after taking a crap after finding a dingle-berry back there one day. the wet wipes are saving me a lot of showers. my wife thinks i'm a freak, but it's good to know you guys are all freaks too.

Anonymous said...

In the Middle East, they have these mini shower guns next to the toilet, so you can fire off a jet of water down there after doing your nasty business. But I suppose hearing that people in the Middle East clean their crevasses that way will only strengthen the resolve of the coalition of the dry-wipes...

I still don't understand the resistance to the idea of having a clean body. But then again, people don't even wash their hands after using the urinal.

Anonymous said...

Wet wipers of the world--unite and take over! I'll add my MO for those still considering the switch-over.

Dry til clean. Freshen up with a wet-wipe (usually just takes one. If more than one pass-by is needed simply fold the wet-wipe and use again). I don't use flushables (Huggies unscented are my favorites), so I fold the wipe to hide the soiled portion then dispose in the trash can. One more pass with dry TP to excise the humidity.

I re-use my plastic grocery bags as liners for my bathroom trash. I know it's not the most green thing in the world, but it takes care of the brown stuff in my life.

I've lived in Mexico and South America where you don't even flush TP, so I was culturally prepared to dispose of wipings this way.

Matt said it best: "Are you saying that between two choices, one which involves having more shit on your body and the other less, you're picking option "more"?

Thanks for the worthy public service announcement.

Yours in cleanliness,

Sean

Anonymous said...

If you pee on the toilet paper first... Does that make it better or worse?!

Unknown said...

I was introduced to the idea by my boyfriend. Frankly, the biggest turnoff for me is that icky, slimy feeling after using one -- I either have to use some toilet paper to dry off, or walk funny for the next ten minutes while my buttcheeks slide around on each other. Ugh.

As to the question of whether they might pose the problem of an increased risk of vaginal infections in women, I can testify that the answer is an emphatic "no." One of the leading causes of vaginal infections is contamination by fecal matter, and if you're using the wipe correctly, you're in the clear. (The other major contributors to infection has to do with your diet and whether you douche.) The increased moisture isn't an issue either, as the vagina is a naturally moist environment, and after all, the wipes are designed to be pH-neutral so they won't mess with the delicate balance.

Leah, with respect to the problem of female "oozing," I find they do a pretty good job of cleaning up. Again, I usually follow it up with TP just to get rid of the icky slimy feeling, and that takes care of it. I've also found that they're a great post-coital cleanup tool, especially since the cool wetness feels good on warm skin. (Maybe a little too much info, but hey, they work.)

Anonymous said...

I am a female and have been a wet wipe user for a couple of years now. I have encountered no problems using wet wipes on a regular basis and find it highly preferable to the “dry wipe.” I do know that removing too much of the good bacteria that inhabits and protects the vagina can invite infection. Therefore, I would recommend using wet wipes only as a means to clean yourself after defecation and not to clean or attempt to disinfect the vagina.

Anonymous said...

I have been doing this since I heard Howard Stern talk about it years ago. Who knew that we could learn to be clean from Howard Stern?

Anonymous said...

Another veteran wet wipe user here. I have them out in the bathrooms in our home. Hopefully guests will become converts. I travel with them and camp with them. They're fine for girlparts and useful for periods. Some wipes are bigger than others. Some smell like Jolly Ranchers, while others have little fragrance. I'd rather smell like a candy-ass though, than the alternative.

Flushable ones are made by Wet Ones, Charmin, Scott, and Cottonelle. And there are others.

Anonymous said...

I just fold up some regular tp and run it under the bath sink faucet, which, in my house, is within reach. Repeat until clean.

Unknown said...

I don't think that it's a coincidence that these guys' names are Matt and John. Amen brothers on preaching the gospel of the baby wipes...I've been doing it for years and can't fathom why more people (especially hairy assed men) don't use 'em. I've got 3 packs at home 1 in the car and 1 in the golf bag. I trully do not dare leave home with out them. Besides the grossness of having shit in your ass, there is nothing more uncomfortable than having the "duck butter" build up (mixture of shit and sweat) on the 15th green when it's 90 degrees out. Keep up the good work bros and I'll try to help get the word out.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget that the moisture in these wet tissues will transport "poo molecules" through the tissue on to your fingers (diffusion?). Something that is not a problem with regular dry wipes. Although, of course, you should wash your hands afterwards either way...

Something I discovered was that there are different techniques for wiping. I come from the side wiping school, i.e. I lift one buttock and come in from the side. I thought this was the only way to do it until a drunken conversation at the pub. Two men came in from the front, i.e. lift your equipment out the way and put your hands between your legs. I would have thought that this increases the risk of faecal balls...

Are there other techniques?

Anonymous said...

Besides "particulates" (not a problem for the less hairy), is there a good reason to use flushable wetwipes rather than quality TP (folded over to preferred thickness) with a bit of tap water on it to moisten it and increase its effectiveness?

The question assumes the issue of comparative greenness is unclear (personally, i'd guess that the wet TP was a greener option). It also assumes one is at home (out in the world it's a whole different ballgame).

Paul said...

http://www.cleanishappy.com/

Anonymous said...

'bout time someone defended the use of wet-wipes. I love this!

Clean is happy! (and less smelly). I mean, there's nuthin' more offensive to the delicate sniffer than sweaty stink-butt "fumes" coming off someone's office chair after they rise to hit the water cooler. Which immediately makes me think, what kind of contamination from OPAs (Other People's Asses) am I being exposed to? In the office...on the subway...in your friends' living room.

And hey, not to bitch, but while we're on the subject of hygene -the whole GNW (Guys Not Washing) phenomenon, e.g. after they've made a bomb run, makes me come to the rapid conclusion that Americans' hygenic education needs an overhaul.
Or, we're just too damn fat, dumb, and happy (relative to the rest of the world) to give a shit...
er, wait that turn of phrase might not be appropriate, given the subject at hand ;-)

Anonymous said...

Toilet paper + sink water = clean butt

Unknown said...

"Besides "particulates" (not a problem for the less hairy), is there a good reason to use flushable wetwipes rather than quality TP (folded over to preferred thickness) with a bit of tap water on it to moisten it and increase its effectiveness?"

I think the problem here is that wet TP tends to fall apart very easily as it's made to do when you flush it. As a girl, I try to keep my lawn mowed, and when it's coming back in, it has the undesired effect of acting like something between a brillo pad and a lint brush. Wet wipes don't disintegrate when they encounter roughness, whereas wet TP leaves little white linty things all over me.

Luke Rhinehart said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I have been using the flushable wipes for a couple of years now (Cottonelle makes a nice version.) I call them sex wipes, not because my man "goes there" but because things are slippery down there and you never know what might get touched or rubbed against. As a woman, if you use them before AND after intercourse, you run less of a risk of getting a urinary tract infection. But I must admit, I use them all the time now. So fresh and so clean!

Anonymous said...

funny, i just came from the bathroom before reading your manifesto. i had diarrhea and i followed up with a "baby" wipe, as usual. keep up the good fight, brothers!

Paul said...

Too long have I hid in the wet wipers closet -- let the consciousness raising begin!

Anonymous said...

Good point. Wipes aren't greatest for women as the chemicals tend to upset our natural flora. I use TUCKS, and they're flushable. And portable (Take-A-Longs).

Anonymous said...

hey, ok, I've read enough here to understand some places around the world just use a bit of water, whether it be from a bidet or a bucket. The question I have is: How is a little squirt of water going to get you clean? I mean, don't you need to get your hand in there and rub it off to get it clean? And then, what about your butt being all wet afterwards? What then? back to the TP? or a communal towel (!)

Anonymous said...

As a wilderness educator, I deal with the issue of poop perhaps more than your average person...and I certainly deal with poop *on the job* more than most folks. In fact, we've developed whole skits based on the star-rating system of pooping (you don't even want to know what a one-star poo is like, but it involves rocks and accidental falls).

The system that works really well for me is a combo of the TP bag and the re-usable rag (i.e. "the pee rag"), both mentioned by previous commenters but not together. You use the bandanna, you rinse it the next time you get a chance (not in the nearest stream! people and animals drink that water! carry some water away from the stream and use that to wash the pee rag). If you don't have a chance to rinse it immediately, you isolate it in a plastic bag. This is one of the fairly common approaches among women wilderness types. Cuz it's one thing to skip the wipe after peeing in the woods for a day or two, but a stuffy tent full of women who haven't showered in a week and have been "drip-drying" all that time...well, it's probably someone's kink, but it ain't mine.

However, I love the idea of just using water, like out of a bike water bottle. Brilliant! Like a wilderness bidet! Next time I'm out in the field, I'm totally going to try rinsing with water, drying with the pee rag.

Anonymous said...

Shiraz,
Why does one need to wash one's hands after using the urinal? Nothing in that process makes your hands dirty, particularly if you don't touch the flush handle with your hand. Washing after you pee is a good way to remember to wash your hands frequently, but pee is sterile and everything else down there is as clean as every other part of your body.

Luke Rhinehart said...

Hey Guys:

Thanks for continuing to get the word out- keep up the comments!

I call them sex wipes, not because my man "goes there" but because things are slippery down there and you never know what might get touched or rubbed against.

Exactly- and there are certain positions that, shall we say, that put sex partners pretty close to those areas or otherwise incidentally spread those areas.

As a woman, if you use them before AND after intercourse, you run less of a risk of getting a urinary tract infection.

Nice- that makes sense too.


Too long have I hid in the wet wipers closet -- let the consciousness raising begin!

Alright, Paul- fight the power!

Good point. Wipes aren't greatest for women as the chemicals tend to upset our natural flora.

Hmmmmm... I guess I can see the argument. There are some organic ones that might be better though.

The question I have is: How is a little squirt of water going to get you clean? I mean, don't you need to get your hand in there and rub it off to get it clean? And then, what about your butt being all wet afterwards? What then? back to the TP? or a communal towel (!)

Good questions, and there are a few answers as follows:

1. Many places have a hose like you'd see next to the kitchen sink. Those get you clean alright.

2. The splash of water seems insufficient, true, and I'm not exactly clear on this but I think they use the left hand for more involved cleaning and then wash it or something. These are in more rural areas and then they don't eat with the left hand or shake or whatevs.

3. The wet pants look is actually considered a sign of cleanliness and walking out of the bathroom without it (assuming you've been there for awhile) actually looks worse.


However, I love the idea of just using water, like out of a bike water bottle. Brilliant! Like a wilderness bidet! Next time I'm out in the field, I'm totally going to try rinsing with water, drying with the pee rag.

You bring up some great points- being a wilderness educator makes you have to get pretty blunt about biological functions.

The first instance I remember really considering this cleanliness issue was when I was on an outward bound trip for mountain climbing and they told us to wipe with snow. Snow was the best thing imaginable for actually getting clean, and some people even liked the feeling. Ever tried snow?

Anonymous said...

I bet snow works great! Like a minty-fresh wet wipe, but without the chemicals. I live and work in the Pacific Northwest, so I don't get a chance to do much of anything in the snow let alone try wiping with it. Around here it's pretty much all about the moss, which is soft and wet and a lot like the wilderness version of a wet wipe.

Have you heard about the Year Without Toilet Paper people? It's in the New York Times, and the article is here http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/22/garden/22impact.html?ex=1332216000&en=e775250d1fe1ae13&ei=5088&partner=rssnyt&
They've done away with the paper altogether and switched to just water.

And I'm glad to hear that your early wilderness experiences are having lasting, lifelong impacts. That's what us wilderness people are going for you know.

Anonymous said...

sorry here's the link to the Year Without Toilet Paper article. If this doesn't work, you can google for "year without toilet paper new york times"

Anonymous said...

For those on a budget:

http://mobry.dyndns.org/~bhorling/projects/10.2003.wipes/

Anonymous said...

Bunch of things. In no particular order:

1) Reading this has given me, too, the courage to come out of the wet wipe closet. No more hiding the Cottonelle when company comes over!

2) As a woman, I've used wet wipes for basically my entire life without having any yeast infections or other problems. The women I know who use them generally have fewer problems than the ones who don't. (Though in a couple of cases, that's probably because their doctor recommended them as a substitute for douching.) It seems possible that the antibacterial ones would disrupt natural flora of the vagina (which is inordinately complex), but I've never run into this.

I suspect that most women will have no issues with them unless they use the same wet wipe for anal and vaginal cleaning. (Can we get an "Ew, yuck!"?)

They're also very nice when on your period. 'Nuff said.

3) I'm surprised that the comfort issue has never come up. Fecal remnants cause irritation, and irritation in the nether regions is pretty unpleasant. You can certainly argue that your derriere doesn't *need* to be clean since/if you're not going to use it for anything else, but doesn't it take a while to get used to the burning sensation? I know that during my thwarted attempts to switch to dry toilet paper, this was just too distracting for me - and I have a high pain threshold!

If your skin has really thickened to the point where you don't feel it any more, I wonder how far off the haemorrhoids are...

4) Wet toilet paper is a poor substitute - aside from the issue of balling, it will tear, getting uncleanliness all over your hand. When I'm in a public restroom, I take a paper towel, wet it, tear into halves or quadrants and carry it to the stall with me. It stays together just the way toilet paper doesn't. And a paper towel in halves won't stop up the toilet the way a fist-sized wad of toilet paper might.

Unfortunately, I'm being weaned of this habit because more and more public restrooms are abolishing paper towels altogether (since this is the only way to get people to use the oft-defective and poorly-designed air dryers they've placed in them). I'm not an expert on environmentalism, but I still fail to see how burning the fuel to run an air dryer for five minutes is more eco-friendly than using a sliver of tree and planting a new one...

Luke Rhinehart said...

"I stopped reading when you just threw a large amount of countries each with their own unique culture and bathroom habits on a big lump. Fucking ignorant Americans."

Cool, did you stop buying things when the eurodollar came out? Actually you know what... you're right. Europe is basically just asia- it's only differentiated by custom. See my new post about it.

kingkool68 said...

I grew up using wet wipes my whole life. TP has never swayed me. All I use it for is drying my ass so my butt doesn't feel swampy! Thanks for helping to spread the word and I thoroughly enjoyed the pics.

Anonymous said...

I used dry tissue and wet wipes intermitantly, i soppose it all depends on how much matter is around the anus after doing the business.

If the first wipe is rather clean then i may not bother to use a few wet wipes, but on the otherhand if theres alot of matter around the anus then i'll use them.

Sometimes the anus is pretty much clean, but other times it seems like 30% of it's stuck on you and you end up wiping a rather tacky and thick messy amount off and you feel completely dirty, unless using wet wipes, it's rather annoying when it happens but even after reading medical dictionarys i'm still unsure why this happens, even though you eat the same meals daily..

Anonymous said...

allllllllll these comments and i can't believe no one has commented about the firmness factor.

sometimes my stool comes out somewhat squishy, necessitating seemingly endless dry wipes, leaving you essentially unclean, and with increased risk of hemorrhoids. i've used flushable wet wipes on occasion, and they are great.

however, sometimes my stool is nice and firm (not necessarily constipated... just firm) and there is no need for more than a urine-catching dry wipe. it's great when that happens.

i hope readers will think about their intestinal health. after being on antibiotics for a while and killing off my healthy intestinal flora, i had soft stools for a long time. then i purchased a probiotics supplement at the health food store. it has worked AMAZINGLY well. little things like that can make a huge difference. :)

Anonymous said...

None of this makes sens to me. You start your idea by reminding us that Europeens uses bidet for over 300 years, and then wants us to switch to wet ones.

Hello?!? Environment?!? Eurpoeens use bidets not wet ones! Plus, I never needed to use those for when they would be needed, just wet a normal toilet paper and there you go!!

Plus, wet ons are not recyclable and can't be made out of recycled. And you know what, I just got back from a one year trip to India in september. and for a whole year, I never saw a toilet paper or a wet one and my ass has never been that clean. Ok, ok, I'm not talking about the other "bathroom habits" over there, but talking about washing your ass, you use : your hands, water, wash your hand at the end and your done! Talk about being environmentaly friendly clean!

So cut it, it sounds like an advertisement for Wet Ones ©:

Luke Rhinehart said...

Wet wipes are recyclable- Nature Bio offers some. Also, you should probably just read more comments- there's been plenty of discussion about wetting a piece of TP- that's a horrible solution. I feel like the only people who bring it up are people who haven't tried it.

Anyway Nick, thanks for the comment. Honestly, you remind me a bit of one of those bedroom revolutionaries telling people not to bother voting in a good candidate because the revolution is just around the corner. Under ideal circumstances we'd have Thai-style hoses or better yet Japanese-style super washers installed in every home- of course. Neither of us see that in crystal ball though do we? Een if we did- let's work for both.

Also, though John and I also have experienced the Asian water method, I should say that without hoses or other implements it's still not that great. Using your hand to splash water lacks the friction component that helps to clean.

John said...

Nick,

Thanks for the comment. Matt and I certainly have concern for the environment. While "moistened wipes" require more resources than a single ply piece of TP, the difference is that I use 1 or 2 moistened wipes instead of several wads of dry toilet paper.

I would imagine that my consumption is either equal or less than it was with the dry rub method.

There is no question I would love a bidet in my home. I'm not so sure that manufacturing, shipping, installing, cleaning, and operating a bidet is more environmentally conscious than buying wet wipes and tp... but I suppose it would be over a long period of time.

Certainly limiting the amount of resources you consume in any daily routine is a good thing. Waterless urinals, toilets that use less water, wet wipes, and bidets can all be part of an environmentally friendly bathroom routine.

Anonymous said...

i have a big question and want ot no if anyone can answer it. My butt has brown stains on it around the anus and i think its becuase i dont wipe good enough but i rly try to. how can i get ride of hte stains??

Anonymous said...

This website is hysterical. I won't give my opinion on the wet-wipe thing other than to say, "Can you say OCD? I thought you could."

Oh, wait. That was an opinion wasn't it?

Anyway, any plumber will tell you that even flushable wipes can wreak havoc on a septic system and should be used sparingly, if at all. We have a septic system and a 4 yr old boy, so we do keep the flushable wipes around, as the 4 yr old boy seems to need a little help in the ass cleaning department. As soon as his fine motor skills have improved enough for him to be able to effectively clean his ass with good ol' TP, the flushable wipes will be history.

Oh, and to answer the 4 month old question about what can be done for a stained anus, your solution is right in Wikipedia, silly. It's called anal bleaching

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anal_bleaching

Anonymous said...

I whole heartedly agree with using something other then dry paper to wipe with.

Here's another observation/question - with a particularly messy #2 you run the risk of getting said #2 on your hands as you wipe. This is not ideal, as you still have to zip and button up your pants, do your belt, tuck in your shirt, etc. I think we also need some kind of sink or hand sanatizer in the actual stall as well.

After getting some of the poo on my hand wiping, the last thing I want to do is spread it all over my clothes.

Anonymous said...

Enjoyed your manifesto. I invite you to take a look at cbwipes.com.

Anonymous said...

What do you all think about a new product a buddy and I are just about to complete a patent on... It's basically an automatic liquid dispenser that dispenses the liquid (Yeah aloe E and other good stuff) right on the tp? No bulky wet wipes that dry out, no expensive bidets to install, and no need to touch anything you don't want to..it dispenses automatically. You can always choose to finish up with the regular dry toilet paper at the end of your cleaning! Its using the same TP and I would argue "greener" because the TP will be moist and more effective thus, you will use less of it on those tough days. Hey, you can even dispense the "special sauce" right on your hands before you put your clothes back on and get all fresh. I think this has some real legs...what do you experts think out there?

Anonymous said...

Nadine said, drying the dishes with paper is disgusting,germs breeding enough to kill you, the idea of baby wipe is good, but i would use paper first then baby wipes non scented it is better for your skin, they don't disolve and have to be put in a bin,not down the toilet, you can get boxes to attach on the wall and buy refills, it is also good to get nice an clean for ladies during your periods. I admire guys with good hygiene, I hate that a lot of them don't wash their hands after going to the toilet.

Nitrile Gloves said...

On the wet wipes there sometimes grow molds and bacteria. We must have to be sure about these machines.

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Unknown said...

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About the discussion between using the toilet paper or using wet wipes or using bidets, in my case, it really depends on the situation. If I am not at home, I'd use wet wipes, and at home, I'd use bidets or wash myself with soap and water, since it is vexing to have stains on your underwear. Also, I wouldn't recommend flushing your baby wipes at the toilet, since it will lead to massive clogs. If that happens to me, then it would made me get someone to fix the plumbing. Minneapolis is a huge place where I can easily find a plumber to do the job.

After getting my plumbing (Minnesota-located plumbers are the one who solved it) fixed, I've started to use water and soap to wash myself after pooping.

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You are obviously correct when you note that a useful analogy doesn't imply that the two items being compared are absolutely identical. However, for the analogy to be effective, the items do have to be similar in aspects relevant to the argument. If it is demonstrated that there is a significant disanalogy in aspects relevant to the argument, the analogy fails to be persuasive. I consider my objection in the paragraph previous, as well as the "I don't eat off my butt" objection which you dismiss, to be valid.

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